Okay, I’m going to try and make this quick. You will tend to notice that most of my entries tend to be late at night, when I have to wake up early the next morning. It is currently 11:50pm and I have 10 minutes to write and finish this entry so I can get at least 5 hours of sleep.
Feelings, I don’t understand them and I doubt I ever will. One thing I’ve always longed for was the strength to control them. But I don’t think anyone has the power to do so. Of course this is about a guy. The only reason why I feel what I feel towards him is possibly because of the attention I get from him, but in a weird way also, the way he treats me. Or not. He’s sort of verbally abusive, but he says he does it to make me a stronger person. Is it working? I wouldn’t be able to tell you. So what is it really? I’m the one he goes to when he needs to vent, when he’s scared, when he’s worried. Either we’re really good friends, or there’s more going on here. I wish I could open up the way he does. Whenever I try, I always feel like I’m doing it wrong, because he never seems to care. Sometimes.
I really wish we could be more, but at times I’m sure friends is where it’s best kept. My last and only relationship was with an ex best friend. Friends for over 4 years. Tried a relationship, lasted 3 months, remained “friends” for 3 months afterwards, then he ended up cursing me out over a misunderstanding. Look, when you text me saying “I have something you haven’t sucked on in a long time” I have no choice but to think dirty. Who wouldn’t. I wouldn’t assume you were talking about a lollipop. The funny thing is that when one door closes, another opens. The year this happened was the same year I became friends with this new guy. Only difference, I actually have feelings for him. One of the reasons I haven’t acted on them was because I don’t think he feels the same way. Did I also mention that he tends to come to me with advice about other girls. I mean, I guess he could be testing me, but saying that could also be wishful thinking. I think, and think, and over think way too much. It drives me nuts sometimes but I can’t help it. I’ve got “what if” on a constant loop in my head and I can’t get it to stop.
Yikes, 12:02am. I guess it’s time to call it a night. I still have to remove these folded clothes from my bed. Anyways, to my friend, sometimes I think Olive Juice if I’m being honest. And if you weren’t in my life…