Change me

I hate small group conversations. I never have anything to add. I have no life experience, and if I did have something to add, I always feel awkward talking out loud.

I went out with some family to one of their friends house. I sat there and sometimes I feel like I’m 16 or something when I’m way older than that. I also feel like they think that I’m young just because I don’t talk much. I’m like a robot. I am only capable of giving straight answers. I cannot elaborate on topics. I don’t know how. I think I have a mild form of social phobia. I wonder if that has anything to do with the possibility that I may have aspergers. I should really get tested because I would really love to know. Or maybe if there’s some sort of therapy to change the way I am because I don’t enjoy it. I wish I were like everyone else but I’m not and it’s frustrating. I want to socialize with people. I want to go to house parties and enjoy myself. Usually alcohol is the only thing that helps in situations like that because I stop thinking, but when it’s a small group of people, my brain is working on overtime to fight the alcohol or something. I feel like if I eventually find out that I really do have aspergers, I could tell the world “Please excuse my anti socialness. It’s not my fault. I actually have a condition and my brain doesn’t work like most peoples brains do.” But I don’t want to use it as an excuse. I don’t know what I want. I think to much, and I want a boyfriend.

Random, yes I know. I’m just thinking about the same question most people ask me. I hate getting on this topic because I don’t want to talk my personal business. I have no personal business so I’d rather stay away from it. Everyone expects me to find a boyfriend because “Im pretty”. I’m also a special case, but nobody knows that. I lack social skills so I’m not just going to go up to any random guy and start talking to them. Can’t meet a good guy in the club, so forget that, and the only guys that even notice me are much older than me. I’m not interested in them. The only person I’m interested in might be interested in me, but we’re both too shy to say anything, or he doesn’t like me like that. Lately though, I’ve actually just been thinking to pretend to be drunk, or actually get drunk, and tell him how I feel. But I never get drunk enough to forget what I’m doing. I know I’d regret it the next morning so I won’t do it. I’d actually have to get someone to type it out for me. Like they stole my phone and pretended to be me and write him. I don’t have any friends, so that out of the question. My sister used to say “Just get married already”, and my mom wants to know why we haven’t gotten together yet. I just think it’s because he doesn’t like me that way and I’m not about to make a bigger fool of myself. I’m pretty sure every day the thought of love comes across my mind, but I don’t know what it is. He’s the only guy in my life so I don’t even know.

My hearts racing, I’m starting to get nervous. I’m telling myself not to write him tonight because I’ve written him every night with nothing to say. I’m not writing him tomorrow night either. I just need him off my mind right now because the thought… I think I might be having a panic attack soon, I want to cry. I don’t even know what I’m feeling. But I honestly truly REFUSE to believe that it’s love. I just want to someone, I want a new job, I want my own apartment, I want to decorate it myself and paint every wall a different colour. I need to get out!



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