Confusion….

Just when you think you know someone, the verbally attack you leaving you confused.

I grew up in the church. Been going all my life, but the sad thing about, I don’t pay attention. Up until a couple of years ago, I always used to fall asleep during service. And it’s not something I did intentionally. I find it very difficult to concentrate on words, especially when I’m being spoken to. At least when I’m reading I can go over something if I don’t understand. I think the only solution to my lack of bible knowledge is to stat reading the bible. But, but I don’t like to read. When I was younger, if I had trouble sleeping, I would read and it would put me sleep. A part of me wishes I was more Godly. I do believe in hell and I don’t want to go there. But I don’t have the motivation or drive for anything.  I’ve already convinced myself that I’m going to hell and there is no hope for me. I want to trust in God, but I have so much doubt and negativity in my head that it’s so hard. Where does that leave me? Lost.

Back to what I was saying. The same guy I’ve been talking about in previous posts basically decided to play 21 Christian Questions with me which I was not prepared for. I felt so stupid, and ashamed. I feel like I should be ashamed to called myself a Christian. People know I go to church every Sunday, but I have no information in my head to back up that claim. I know nothing about the bible, which is also weird considering my dad is really religious. I actually told the guy last night that he reminded me of my dad. I’m not sure whether that was a complement or not, but I know it should have be. I think what made me feel worse was the way he put me down after I gave “the wrong answer”. He responded as if something was wrong with me for not knowing “simple things”. He’s said time and time again, the reason why he’s so rough on me is so that I won’t believe it and prove him wrong, but do I have enough confidence to even do that? Have I changed much in the past 3 years? I don’t think so. So whatever he thinks he’s doing, he’s failing. I don’t know if that’s what he was trying to do last night, but after having such a great day yesterday, my mood was brought waaaaaaaay down. I’m actually still in shock by it 24 hours later.

Why is it so hard for me to be happy? Maybe it is time I put all my trust in God. He won’t dish out what I can’t handle and he’ll always protect me, so what am I afraid of?

Anonymous

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2 Comments

  1. Thank you for your honest post! I suspect you’ve spoken what’s in the heart of many believers. I know God is trying to draw you close to Himself; I can tell this from your words, statements like, “I’ve already convinced myself that I’m going to hell and there is no hope for me. I want to trust in God…”
    Don’t you see? People who want nothing to do with God, don’t “want to trust in God.” That can only be God’s Spirit in you – battling for you! I think deep down you already know this, right?
    I will be praying for you!

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