Forever Alone

Same song different entry. It’s a Saturday night, and I spent the night trying on clothes, playing in makeup, taking photos and watching TV. Mom just got back from a birthday party not too long ago and I spent the night home alone. What else is new? Well, I was actually invited to a birthday party myself. I would have liked to go, but there’s no way I’m going to stroll around downtown by myself to attend a party for an acquaintance. I have no friends. Not true, I have my sister and my crush. Problem, my sister doesn’t live in the area and my crush… *sigh* You know we’ve been friends for about 3 years, and we’re pretty close,  but I don’t think we’ve ever actually gone out anywhere together. Except for that one night I borrowed my moms car and we drove around the city, but other than that. Like he’s embarrassed to be seen with me. Hmmm, I take back thinking he likes me. I’m pretty sure if he did, he’d want to show me off. Unless I’m like his guilty pleasure he hides from the world. Actually, yes. He has literally hid me before so people he knew didn’t know I was around while he was talking them.

Be that as it may, my love life, non existant. I’ve had one boyfriend in my life. Our relationship lasted 3 months. Our friendship before that, about 5 years, could be more. What did I learn? Don’t date a guy with no goals. Only problem with that though, I find anyone with goals intimidating. Sounds crazy I know, but I haven’t got much to be proud of myself. My life is sad. I need to change it, I’m the only one that can change it, yet I don’t and end up complaining about the same things over and over again. Every Sunday my grandmother asks me why I haven’t found suitable suitor yet. “What am I waiting for?” She asks. She’s telling me to get out there and talk to people, but I don’t know how. I keep telling her that I’m okay, but I’m not, and I think she knows because she’s alone herself. She doesn’t like telling her brothers what’s going on with my life because nothing is going on. When they talk about my job, instead of saying “Oh that’s nice.” They tell her “Well it’s better than nothing.” I hate this life and I feel like I’m stuck in it. No one gets it. No one gets me, and when I try to explain to them, they laugh it off or look at me like I’m crazy or something. Or using it as an excuse and I swear I’m not trying to. I’m scared. Scared of change, scared of everything.

My sister spoke to a coworker about me the other day. He thinks I could be Asexual. I don’t think so. I’m not stupid. Although I should get properly diagnosed, I’m 99% sure I’m Dyslexic and have Aspergers. I guess what I’m trying to say is that it would make more sense if I were properly diagnosed, but I’ve read the symptoms, I’m not Asexual. But for the fact that my own sister is now starting to question if I’ll ever find someone, and she’s talking to other people about it. In some weird way it hurts.  Oddly enough my mom seems to be the most positive one out of this whole being single thing. Even though she likes to compare myself to her a lot, she’s the only one saying positive things. Unfortunately it also leads to false hope. Like what the future holds for my crush and I. She thinks we’ll end up together, I obviously hope so, but I’m definitely not holding my breath. With as many people as he speaks to though (mostly girls), I’m surprised he’s been single the entire time we’ve been friends. He does talk about other girls but… I don’t know what he’s looking for.

So here I am, a girl in her late 20s with no social skills, VERY few friends, picky taste, and her entire family pitying her for her life choices that aren’t really choices. My answer. God has a plan for me. I tell myself that all the time, but I need to believe it. Let’s say I will be alone for the rest of my life, if that is my destiny, I should embrace it. I mean, I would LOVE to have at least one child to call my own. I’ve even told myself that if things never really work out for me relationship wise I would adopt, but before I even consider that, I really need to get my life in order, move from under my moms roof and just be on my own. It won’t be easy. It might actually be more lonely, but it’s got to be done. God will be with me. I just need to strengthen my faith so that I believe it myself. Funny how quick a mood can change. 5 minutes ago I was pouring my eyes out, now I’m siting here typing with this grin on my face like everything has just sorted itself out.

I’m an emotional wreck.
“Whoa is me”


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