Mixed emotions

My sister doesn’t care for my friend because of the way he treats me. I completely understand, but I’m also aware that I only put up with it because I like him. That’s why I won’t let him go. Is it healthy, probably not, but I’d like to consider myself somewhat of a strong independent woman. I don’t depend on other people because in this world, everyone is looking out for themselves, so I should do the same. My sister thinks/thought he is/was manipulating me. For whatever reason she thinks I trust everyone and that I’m very nieve, when the truth is, I trust very few people. If he ever did anything to hurt me, SERIOUSLY HURT ME, I’m pretty sure I’m capable of cutting him out of my life completely. I was able to do it with my ex, so why not my friend also? There was also this other guy who apparently got with me while with, or not with, his girlfriend of… quite a few years. It was supposedly some on/off thing. When I found out, I asked him about it and he told me. Does that mean I never speak to him again? Nope, we weren’t together and it’s not like he treated me like his girlfriend or anything, we were just messing around. Plus, after I found out, I take it as a lesson learned. I would just never go down that road with him ever again. And I didn’t.

Now…. here we go. My friend left the country, to go on vacation for one week. I didn’t not find out till the day before. He called me to ask me what he should pack. I didn’t even know he was going anywhere. He claims he thought he told me already. We speak to each other everyday, and it just so happened to slip his mind? Okay, sure, whatever. He tells me he’s going alone, to go to a wedding, of someone he doesn’t know. The person that invited him, some girl he met online. Am I hurt? Sort of, but not really. From the way he treats me I doubt he likes me, which is why I’d rather keep what we have a friendship. I think I’ve mentioned before that he’s always asking me advice about other girls and what not so either he’s trying to make me jealous, or I’m just his friend. After he told me this, I was confused about how I was feeling, because if we are friends, why am I only finding out about this the day before he’s leaving? I asked him, he says it’s a personal thing. He doesn’t tell anyone where he’s going. So very few people know where he’s going. Apparently, only me and some people he works with know. He didn’t even tell his mother. Okay… I could believe that, or I can assume he’s lying.

This is when I got upset. He told me he would come see me the day he was leaving. We both work in the airport. The day he was leaving, he kept poking me on Facebook  So I kept poking him back. I had a feeling, and my feeling was spot on. I told myself I was not going write him, call him at all because I had a feeling he was not going to stop by before he left. Even though he said he would. I know I shouldn’t have been poking him back on Facebook, maybe it would have hurt a little bit less, but I did. An hour before his flight I saw him in the distance. He went into the lounge. Okay, relaxing before the flight, makes sense, plus he told me that he would. Twenty minutes before his flight, leaving the lounge and talking to the people that work across from me. He has to pass by me to get to his gate. Which he did, without stopping by to say bye. I was upset. Very upset. He calls me moments before getting on the plane, apologizes and says that he forgot. I told myself that was complete bull because we were poking each other on Facebook. I was upset, so I sort of cut him short told him I had to go and hung up on him sort of. He calls me back asks why I hung up and I told him I had to go. I think. It all happened so quickly and this was about 4 days ago so the memory isn’t as clear. Then he texts me from the plane to say that he’s on the plane and “Peace”.  This was on Blackberry Messenger. So I sent him message back saying that he should turn his phone off and “Bye”. Message was sent and not delivered till later that night. I’ll assume he turned his phone on, but didn’t check my message. And I have since deleted the conversation so I don’t stare at it the entire time he’s gone. Anyhow I saw that he checked my message and hadn’t replied, I’d be even more upset.

Now since he’s left, my head has been going back and forth. I was pretty upset that day. My mother understood, my sister didn’t care. My aunt (who thinks we’ll one day be together even though she’s never met him or knows our whole story) says he said sorry, so just drop it. It’s in the past now. My sister knows more about him than anyone else so I get why she’s not for us and why everyone else is. No one else knows our story. Talking with my sister, as I said earlier, he’s either manipulating me or he’s possibly ashamed of me. I told my sister we’re not really even friends. We just talk on the phone. He never comes to see me at work, and he’s always conversing with other people in front of my face. We’ve never gone out anywhere together and when I do invite him to something, he always says I’ll get back to you, never does and when I bring it up again he’s working. Correction, he has gone to things I’ve invited him to, but oddly it when it’s for my sister. Never for me. He’s missed my birthday 3 years in a row. I know to stop expecting this from him, but it’s more upsetting and annoying when I drink.

Anyways, I finally decided to drop everything and resume thing as they where when he returns until this girl who used to speak with him tells me why she doesn’t anymore. People were basically bad talking her on Facebook for everyone to see. Which came as a shock to her because in person, they were all nice to her. He was one of them . I don’t remember if he just laughed at what they were saying or if he joined in, but either way, it’s still not right. He told me this story already, but it got me thinking. My life isn’t the best. I have low self esteem, no confidence. I do nothing in my spare time, no hobbies, no friends… nothing. I’m the perfect person to pick on. So now I’m thinking, does he talk about me to anyone? I plan on asking him when he gets back, but he could easily lie about it. I don’t want to think the worse about him, but if he is. If I ever find out that he is, that’s the end. I can forgive it if he apologizes, but that doesn’t mean I will continue being in his life. Just because I have very few people in my life doesn’t mean I should just take what I can get.

And that’s it. Since he’s been gone it’s just been this constant back and forth. It’s a little annoying that I can’t speak about it until he gets back, and I feel like by the time he gets back, this will all be irrelevant. I haven’t spoken to him since he’s been gone. When I went on vacation I still spoke to him. I’m sure he has access to the internet or something, but I guess I shouldn’t assume. I just sort of wished he missed me enough to try and contact me. But if he doesn’t feel the same why that I do. If the feelings aren’t mutual, I just have to accept that. I am open to finding someone else, but I still don’t know how to talk to people. And if I’m not feeling it, I’m not going force myself at all.

I wasn’t expecting to type all of this, but I did know it was going to be long. I’m off to bed now. I’ve got another 4 days off from work and I need to focus on getting my life together. If he is ashamed of me, and thats why he’s not acting on his possible feelings for me, getting my life together might just be what I need. Not to get him, but for me. I can’t sit around and do nothing the rest of my life. That’s possibly the worst life to live.

Anonymous

P.S.
Since he’s been gone, I’ve actually been more randomly happy than usual, like right now. This is quite rare… and odd. lol

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