I wish I had something nice to post. Just once. I complain a lot about the same issues and truth is, I don’t do anything to fix them. I am sad a lot, but I wouldn’t really say I’m depressed. I don’t think I am. I’m quite self aware of my problems, I can name you almost every single one of my faults, but the problem is that I lack motivation. In every single aspect of my life. Looking for a new job. I went on one interview and haven’t applied anywhere else since. I keep telling people that I am but I haven’t. Could be fear of moving on to something different. I don’t know. My friend, I’ve always expected him to make the first move, but I should just accept the fact that it’ll never happen. I told him today that we should hang out. he was so quick to say no. Mind you, neither of us are doing anything today. I asked why, he says he prefers just talking on the phone with me. Even though most of the time neither of us say a damn thing. I’ve been off from work for the past two days. I’m off for another two. When I first realized I wasn’t working I was so lost and confused. I had nothing planned for my week off. usually I do my hair, force myself to work on something, even look for work. I’ve done fuck all the past two days. I’ve had this window open to lok at logo’s to design to add to my portfolio and I’ve opened links, I’ve closed them and then continued to look up nonsense.
WHY AM I LIKE THIS? It’s like I want to change, but I don’t have enough motivation to do it and i don’t get it. It’s so frustrating. I want it, but not bad enough, but I do want it bad enough. It’s not laziness, I refuse to think of it as laziness, because if it was actual work I had to do for a job, I would be doing it. It’s like, as long as I know it’s not real, I won’t put my all into it. I wish you could purchase motivation.
(Again, I didn’t proof read. Any mistakes, my apologies).