If I told you what I have, do you promise not to laugh?

I have a problem. I don’t like to get personal. I’m not very proud of my life, of my lack of accomplishments and I fear success. I’m not ready to grow up. The sad thing about this, I’m 27 years old. I have dreams and aspirations, but I’m not ready to actually reach them. It’s like I’d rather dream them on a regular basis than live them out. I’m not like most people. That’s something I’ve noticed for a very long time. Since I was in high school. I didn’t know it was something I could put my finger  on back them, so I just started calling myself special. Not in the way that people make fun of. But unique. I knew I wasn’t like everyone else and I didn’t know why. I remember the first guy to ever ask me out, when he did, my reply was “Where”? The funny thing is that he was my crush, I guess I never thought someone I liked could like me back.

My love life mostly exists in my dreams. Except for that one boyfriend I had. I’m a very literal person, so even though to him it was official, it wasn’t to me….

Okay, I don’t want to go on telling my life story. Basically what I wanted to get down to was the fact that I’ve self diagnosed myself with Aspergers syndrome. I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned this before. The problem is though, I have no idea if this is what’s holding me back in life. I’ve had one serious boyfriend who was my friend for years before we got together. We broke up 3 months after getting together. I’ve liked plenty of guys, and I also have the problem of becoming slightly obsessed with any guy that pays any sort of attention to me. I over think everything. I’m slightly depressed and lack the drive to accomplish anything in my life. Yet I hate my life. I have no friends and I’m scared to talk to people. I’ve always had a dream of working from home, married with children. I’m 27, I can’t cook, can’t do much for myself and I live with my mom. I want to move out on my own but I’m also scared I’ll become more depressed on my own than I already am. I could move in with a roommate, but I fear socializing. The place I’m working at is well below what I’m qualified to do. I have been “looking for another job” or so I’ve been telling people. I’ve gone on one interview and I have a second one with the same company on Monday. I pray that it goes well but at the same time I’m scared to have to start a new job. I hate disappointing people which is why I’ve been able to keep all my jobs, I can become quite obedient.

I want to see a psychiatrist or a psychologist but Im scared to. I don’t express myself properly verbally. I get tongue tied and embarrassed and I fear judgment. I already think that everyone thinks I’m a bitch. Which most people do because I don’t talk to anyone and when I’m serious I look pissed. My life is horrible, I don’t like it, but I’m scared to change it.

They say insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting change. But as often as I keep my same routine, and as much as I want things to change, I don’t expect them to change because I don’t know how I would handle it. I’m in very serious like with a male friend of mine, and as much as I would love for us to start something would I be able to handle it or would I run from it out of fear?

I’m trapped in loop created by a syndrome I might or might not have. Am I using it as an excuse? I don’t think so. Mainly because I only heard about Aspergers syndrome this year and I’ve been doing the same thing for as long as I can remember. My sister says that now that I know what the problem is, just work against it to be “normal”. What she doesn’t understand is that it’s easier said that done. My brain is wired differently. I don’t understand why I should change the way I am to please other people. That’s why I just don’t do. I’d rather do nothing at all than try an conform to the norm. And when I do try to copy everyone else, I get really self conscious and second guess everything. I feel like I’m still not doing anything right and I remain paranoid for the rest of the day.

I WANT TO WRITE A POSITIVE POST! But honestly, if I told myself to only post positive stuff I’d never post. The thing is, it’s not like I need to talk to any random person to get something off my chest, I want to talk to a professional because I don’t like this. But I fear that even if I spoke to a professional I still wouldn’t do what they said. Or maybe I just need someone to understand? I don’t know. If anyone suggest aspergers forums, I’ve tried. I can’t stick with them. I don’t know why. I don’t know a lot of things. I should feel comfortable on them but I don’t. Like I said, I don’t even know if I really have aspergers or not.

I want to scream.

Anonymous

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1 Comment

  1. Hi Anonymous,
    My twin brother was diagnosed with Aspergers when he was about 26. He was referred to the free trainee psychologists at the local university by his unemployment case manager, and the intern psychologist he worked with helped him tremendously by giving him ways to learn to do the things that seemed to come naturally to everyone else – like holding a conversation that was about things that were outside of his specific and quite narrow interests, how to recognize how others were feeling by their body language, and so on. About the same time he started a serious relationship and he and his partner have been living together since not long after that, very happily with their two cats.

    To me, though, you sound more like you suffer from social anxiety, rather than Aspergers. Being self-conscious and fearing socializing may express externally like Aspergers but it’s a very different internal state. Aspies just aren’t all that interested in socializing, and are often happier living alone. They tend not to be worried about disappointing people because the thought of that basically wouldn’t cross their mind.
    I think that however you’re made is how you are, and if you’re different, then life may be a bit more difficult for you – like being left-handed in this world full of right-handed scissors. Doesn’t mean you have to change who you are, but you might just need someone to give you some (psychological) tools that’ll work for you.

    Either way, whether you have anxiety or Aspergers or something else entirely, it’s definitely better to get help than to struggle on alone! Do you have a family doctor you trust that you could talk to? or is there a counseling clinic nearby? or even a helpline? Calling someone DOESN’T mean you’re crazy, or that they’ll think you’re crazy, or that you’re weak, or anything. It just means you’re taking the first step to making things better.

    Also, I read an article recently about positive thinking and how quite often it’s so much BS. Pop over to my blog and have a look.

    Hope this helps,
    Anna

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