I have a problem. I don’t like to get personal. I’m not very proud of my life, of my lack of accomplishments and I fear success. I’m not ready to grow up. The sad thing about this, I’m 27 years old. I have dreams and aspirations, but I’m not ready to actually reach them. It’s like I’d rather dream them on a regular basis than live them out. I’m not like most people. That’s something I’ve noticed for a very long time. Since I was in high school. I didn’t know it was something I could put my finger on back them, so I just started calling myself special. Not in the way that people make fun of. But unique. I knew I wasn’t like everyone else and I didn’t know why. I remember the first guy to ever ask me out, when he did, my reply was “Where”? The funny thing is that he was my crush, I guess I never thought someone I liked could like me back.
My love life mostly exists in my dreams. Except for that one boyfriend I had. I’m a very literal person, so even though to him it was official, it wasn’t to me….
Okay, I don’t want to go on telling my life story. Basically what I wanted to get down to was the fact that I’ve self diagnosed myself with Aspergers syndrome. I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned this before. The problem is though, I have no idea if this is what’s holding me back in life. I’ve had one serious boyfriend who was my friend for years before we got together. We broke up 3 months after getting together. I’ve liked plenty of guys, and I also have the problem of becoming slightly obsessed with any guy that pays any sort of attention to me. I over think everything. I’m slightly depressed and lack the drive to accomplish anything in my life. Yet I hate my life. I have no friends and I’m scared to talk to people. I’ve always had a dream of working from home, married with children. I’m 27, I can’t cook, can’t do much for myself and I live with my mom. I want to move out on my own but I’m also scared I’ll become more depressed on my own than I already am. I could move in with a roommate, but I fear socializing. The place I’m working at is well below what I’m qualified to do. I have been “looking for another job” or so I’ve been telling people. I’ve gone on one interview and I have a second one with the same company on Monday. I pray that it goes well but at the same time I’m scared to have to start a new job. I hate disappointing people which is why I’ve been able to keep all my jobs, I can become quite obedient.
I want to see a psychiatrist or a psychologist but Im scared to. I don’t express myself properly verbally. I get tongue tied and embarrassed and I fear judgment. I already think that everyone thinks I’m a bitch. Which most people do because I don’t talk to anyone and when I’m serious I look pissed. My life is horrible, I don’t like it, but I’m scared to change it.
They say insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting change. But as often as I keep my same routine, and as much as I want things to change, I don’t expect them to change because I don’t know how I would handle it. I’m in very serious like with a male friend of mine, and as much as I would love for us to start something would I be able to handle it or would I run from it out of fear?
I’m trapped in loop created by a syndrome I might or might not have. Am I using it as an excuse? I don’t think so. Mainly because I only heard about Aspergers syndrome this year and I’ve been doing the same thing for as long as I can remember. My sister says that now that I know what the problem is, just work against it to be “normal”. What she doesn’t understand is that it’s easier said that done. My brain is wired differently. I don’t understand why I should change the way I am to please other people. That’s why I just don’t do. I’d rather do nothing at all than try an conform to the norm. And when I do try to copy everyone else, I get really self conscious and second guess everything. I feel like I’m still not doing anything right and I remain paranoid for the rest of the day.
I WANT TO WRITE A POSITIVE POST! But honestly, if I told myself to only post positive stuff I’d never post. The thing is, it’s not like I need to talk to any random person to get something off my chest, I want to talk to a professional because I don’t like this. But I fear that even if I spoke to a professional I still wouldn’t do what they said. Or maybe I just need someone to understand? I don’t know. If anyone suggest aspergers forums, I’ve tried. I can’t stick with them. I don’t know why. I don’t know a lot of things. I should feel comfortable on them but I don’t. Like I said, I don’t even know if I really have aspergers or not.
I want to scream.