I don’t even understand me

I feel like a teenager trapped in an adult body. I know the way I act is completely unacceptable for my age, but why is it I’m feeling this way? I told myself I’m over him. I wasn’t. Then he goes and reminds me in the most hurtful way. Pretty much telling me what I’ve told him. We’re not really friends. We text each other and he saw me only a handful of times last year. So why would he be upset that I didn’t tell him I left? Then somehow goes to say that my mood is has something to do with me not seeing opportunity in front of my face and tells me to grow up. SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH ME!!! I know this. I don’t know what it is and I can’t afford to see a psychiatrist. I’m to scared to do or try anything new, and when I actually go through with something, I have regrets the following day because it’s not what I’m used to. Although I’ve been told that there is more opportunity here for me, there isn’t. I wanted to do something in my field. Here, that’s hardly even possible. I had a much better chance staying where I was. And I still wasn’t finding anything. I’m scared, I’m frustrated, I feel lost and left out. It’s just so not what I’m used to, but I hated what I was used to. I feel like I’m being judged for everything I do, or everything I don’t do. I just don’t feel right at all. I can put on a face when people are around but as of today I can’t stop crying when I’m alone. I’m trying to be brave but I don’t know if I can, and if I do lose it I will be judge even more.I can’t let my sister down. I don’t want to. I also don’t want to go back. I don’t know what I want. But I’m not in a good place mentally. At all.What makes me feel worse about this is that it’s only the second day. I don’t feel right. I don’t feel right at all.

I’m not proofreading this. Not tonight. I’m not good. I’m in a really low place. I can’t do it tonight. I don’t get me. I don’t get who I am. I’lll never be happy.

 

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