Or I wish my feelings would just go away. You don’t treat me like a friend, and if I were to mention wanting to see you, you ignore me. Take a hint right? I don’t think I’ll officially get over you though until I actually tell you how I feel. I have to let go of this feeling, but I don’t see that happening anytime… ever. But if I have no intentions of ever getting with you because of how you’ve mistreated me, why bother saying anything at all right?
I think one night I should just have a few drinks, suck it up and call him out. “The reason why I’m always mad at you is because I like you and you don’t like me back. You’ve mistreated and took advantage of me for years and I let you in hopes that one day we would get together, but the less we talk to one another, the more I realize how much better I am without you in my life. Then I talk to you again and that false hope reappears. I don’t hold grudges, if you don’t feel the same way, you don’t control that. It’s not your fault. But some advice the next time a girl indirectly tells you she misses you, just reply her. You can say a joke or something. It doesn’t matter, but don’t not reply her text for over 2 days. You make me cry and I hate that you have that power over me. And stop tagging yourself doing stuff on Facebook. It just reminds me of the times I asked you to hang out with me and you either came up with an excuse or again, didn’t give me an answer. I will forever be mad at you because you have some sort of power over me and I’m pretty sure you know it and you use it to your advantage. That makes you a bad person. A very bad person. That I still want to be with, but even if you told me you felt the same way, I can’t say yes. I’m not stupid. Prove yourself to me. If you really want me, make an effort and make me want you. But you haven’t before, so I doubt you will now.”
You know, I partially blame family that kept lying to me and acting as if they could foresee the future, telling me that we’d be together one day because we converse so frequently. I knew it would never happen and I wish I stuck with those feelings instead of allowing them to give me false hope. Repeat something to me enough times and I will believe it. That’s how I ended up with my ex boyfriend. I didn’t even like him. But this one is different. And worse. It’s 2:22am and I feel like texting him right now and just calling him out, but since I’m really bad at expressing myself and even in text, I would fumble my words along the way. Maybe I should just send him this entry and hope he puts the pieces together. Maybe I should write him a letter and just let him read it and come to his own conclusion. But knowing him, he’ll either pretend he never got it or not reply.
I would say men are stupid, but they’re not all the same. I wish meeting people wasn’t so difficult for me. I don’t think I’m worthy enough to have a significant other anyways. My life is a mess and it’s not getting any better. Coming to think of it, I wouldn’t want to be with me either.
Off topic, I need to post more to this diary/blog other than my complaints. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I need to post more to this blog. Not for others, but for myself.