Where am I?

At the moment, I have no idea what my mental state is. I’m not happy, I’m not sad. I’m not angry or frustrated or anything. Maybe a little disappointed in how other people perceive my cousin, but otherwise, I don’t know. I ended up staying with my cousin and my mom for one week instead of two. Bro in law needed me back asap. To be honest, I was quite relieved. After the first two days with my cousin I was just about done. She wanted to do something everyday, and at the same time, thinking about it now, I’m glad we went out everyday, but some of those days I really couldn’t be bothered to go outside. Maybe I’m just tired from being a different me all week. Being someone that I’m not so someone else could be happy. But I had fun, so I really don’t know what it was.

Saturday night we went out to a club. The last time my cousin came out I took her to a lame party which was a horrible idea because I don’t socialize, but I was very happy I could take her out this time, and to be honest, it’s probably the most fun I’ve had in a club. I usually go with my sister and she’s not big on dancing, so we usually sit my bar and go on the dance floor for a little bit then back to the bar. This time, most of my time was spent on dance floor because that’s how my cousin is. She’s not as shy as my sister and I had a great time. It was a great ending to my week, and now I’m back. Exhausted and bored. I usually live on my laptop, but I don’t even bother coming online anymore. ¬†Maybe I need to get back into my work, but it’s not easy to do with a 23 month old boy running to you every two seconds because he wants to “play” on the laptop too.

I work best with my headphones on and at night. The world is sleeping and my music is blasting in my ears and best of all, no distractions. Living here is a distraction in itself because I’m looking after a child. I’m helping my sister out until december and then I can do as I please. I’m trying to stay positive and see good things in my future that will happen for me sooner than later. I would LOVE to get my life on track as soon as possible. I know want I want, I see it all, but the only thing that really stopping me is work. Or lack thereof. I don’t have the social confidence to freelance and if I were to get a job working for other people, it just annoys me how much people get on my case for being a quiet person.

Okay, I have a question for anyone reading this. What are the best jobs for someone who has social anxiety? Best jobs for a person with Asperger Syndrome (which I’m still not sure whether I have or not)? I’ve done retail all my life and I want to get away from it. I’m not capable of making eye contact, and I want to work in a place where there are other people, but verbal communication is not necessary. I want a job with more consistent hours and noooooooo weekends. I’m done working on weekends.



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