I’m so screwed.

I’m so messed up. I don’t even know if I’ll be able to get my words out correctly tonight. I have trouble concentrating, and I’ve been avoiding my issues long enough.

I’ve been out of work for almost a full year now. Yes I should have been looking for work, but I also felt obliged to help my sister out within this year before she goes on maternity leave. Well, my time is coming to an end. I’ve put my life on hold and it’s time for me to start looking for work. Although to everyone else I have been looking for work because I’ve been indirectly telling them that I have.
“How’s the job search going?”, “It’s still going” I would reply.

By going, it’s more like apply to a job once a month. My nephew is about to pop out in a few months and I need to start looking, but I’m scared. Of what? I’m not even entirely sure. I’m scared I won’t get anything in my field and if that’s the case, I really don’t want to do anything else. Before I moved in with my sister, I lived in a city with a lot a dead beat people. It was okay if I worked a crappy job because people my age do that, but here. It’s all young people and I don’t want to be working with a bunch of high school kids.

Easy way out for most people would be a secretarial job. I had a class like that in college and I nearly failed it. I can’t multitask  well and I hate the phone. Is it possible to concentrate to hard on what someone is saying that you don’t hear a word of it? I want a job where I don’t have to associate with other people. Basically my field is perfect for me. I’m an aspiring graphic designer, but I’ve lost my drive for it and I can honestly say I’ve done nothing all year. I’m ashamed, I’m not proud. I have no fun activities that I do. I just exist and I find myself pretty useless in this world and it makes me sad. I’m not depressed about it though. I mean, I have my days, but I would say my mood is pretty neutral.

My sister brought it to my attention that her husband said a while ago that I should be looking for work because I am basically no longer needed. That should motivate me to work a little harder on finding a job but it hasn’t really. It mostly just scared me. My back up plan is to go back and live with my mom, but living there I have nothing. I’m oddly worse off if I do that.

I’m so lost in my life right now. I just don’t know. I’m confused, scared, unmotivated. Every negative emotion you could think of. I’m in limbo and I just don’t know. I haven’t cried about it in a while and I almost feel like I’m about to but I don’t feel like I have a right to. I know the only way I can change my way of life is by changing it myself, but I have no motivation and I’ve been like this for as long as I can remember.

I want to pray about this. I want to read my bible and find the right passage to motivate myself into action, but I’m so ashamed in myself I don’t feel like I have the right to. It sounds stupid but that’s how I feel. I keep finding every excuse not to read my bible when I have a hard copy, a copy on my phone and a copy on my iPod touch. I’ve got God’s word all around me, but I’m too ashamed in myself to take the initiative to do anything for myself. The level of shame I have in myself is unmeasurable and that shame is keeping me from doing anything for myself. My inner demons are winning over me and I’m just stuck. I hate this. I’m crying and I don’t know what else to say.

I’m not happy, this is another woe is me post. I need help. I need a friend. I need motivation. I need something. I need to love myself. But I can’t because I’m ashamed. People tell me things I need to hear, and I hear them, and I agree with them, but the feeling that I’m feeling inside is keeping me from doing anything about it and i hate it. What’s worse is that I’m keeping all of this to myself. I tell my sister but as usual she doesn’t hear me because to her I’m like a broken record. Complaining about the same things over and over and not doing anything about it. She loves me, and if I were her I’d be tired of me too. It’s like I’m looking for someone to tell me what to do. I was never given a manual to this life and I really don’t know what to do with it. I can’t spend the rest of my life being supported by others.

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