Maybe it’s an Aspie thing…

Or maybe I’m just an introvert? I don’t like last-minute changes in anything. If my mind is set on something, I usually like to mentally prepare myself in advance for it. So when I have time to myself, or expect time to myself, I tend to get excited. It’s the time I enjoy the most and I’ve had very little time to myself recently. Well tonight I was expecting some me time. I was thinking, I was going to be able to sleep in. My sisters father in law is spending the night, so he has my room. Not a problem, I haven’t been spending much time in there since my sister has been in the hospital. I’m not offended by that like I was when he was here this past Christmas, but this is what I thought. Since he has my room, I’d be in the basement while father of child slept in his room with the baby. Well, baby is sleeping in the playpen in the living room. You would think father of child would think “Okay, instead of picking baby up to bring him upstairs so he doesn’t wake up, I’ll sleep in the living room.” But no, that would be far to convenient for me. So instead of a deep sleep. Instead of me being able to sleep in, which is what I mentally prepared myself for, I am now somehow sleeping on the main floor with the baby when I could have my own space and sleep in the basement. Why does this suck? Well sure, no one else is awake, so technically, until everyone else wakes up it is my own space. But what bothers me is that anyone can come down at any time. That is much less likely in the basement because no one has any business there. This also means, that instead of possibly waking up at 9am and sleeping rather deeply, I must sleep extremely lightly and be woken up every time my nephew coos; and in approximately 2 hours from now, he will be awake ready for a bottle. I’ll be woken up sometime between 6am and 7:30am by my older nephew who will then want to watch Bubble Guppies while I’d rather sleep. Had I known I was going to be waking up before everyone else in the morning, I would have maybe taken a nap before I had to give up my room. Now, it is 1am. I am writing this entry and I am pissed off because I wasn’t prepared. Because I wasn’t mentally prepared. I cried a little. That’s how upset I am. This life, this isn’t me. I am not a mother. I imagined myself having at least one child in the future, but never my own. Adoption. And an older kid at that, not a baby. Someone that can speak for themselves, is potty trained and that would sleep through the night. Either way, I never signed up for this, nor have I ever wanted to. Call it selfish. A lot of people think I am. But considering the situation, I did what needed to be done. For my sister and my sister alone. On top of that, we have mice. Big problem. I am the only person who’s attempting to do anything about it also. I’ve made an effort putting all the foods the mice go after in containers. The sound of them nibbling through things erks me and I cannot sleep through it. I just told my brother-in-law that too, and his response was a smile and goodnight. He said he’d get traps tomorrow, but my main issue is that I won’t be able to sleep through it tonight. And it’s not like I can wear headphones to sleep because I have to listen out for my nephew. I hate this, and every time my sister asks, I tell her it’s not a problem and it’s not true. Well it’s partially true. I’d do almost anything for her, but sometimes I think I don’t like my brother-in-law. And it’s confusing, because my sisters ex boyfriends, I knew which ones I liked and which ones i didn’t like, but this one. As a person, I guess I’m okay with him, but he has certain habits about him that piss me off. And I feel like, now that my sister isn’t here, he’s just expecting me to pick up where she left off. But the way I see it, again, not trying to sound selfish, as long as he is home and he does not have to wake up super early for work, it’s not my problem. It shouldn’t be my problem unless I offer. I did not offer. Had my sister been here, she would have never expected me to watch the kids throughout the night. Or, she would at least ask me to stay downstairs for a few hours and switch places sometime in the morning so she could get some rest. But he’s not like that and I don’t like that. I want to sleep just as much as he does, and although he was working all week, watching his children without pay is work too. Again, call me selfish but I don’t care anymore. I’m very upset right now. Had I known I was watching the baby I wouldn’t be writing this entry. My laptop would be off in my room and I would trying to get some sleep. Instead I’m frustrated and writing this entry. I need the prepare myself. That’s just how I work. I hate last-minute changes and I don’t cop well with them. And if I don’t get sleep tonight, and he’s going back to work on Monday, that means I’m sleeping on this damn couch again tomorrow night. I want a bed, I want to sleep, I want some time to myself and I hate that this does sound selfish but this is how I feel. Now I get that I have not been diagnosed with aspergers. I do recognise that I do have some of the traits, and if I offend anyone by being a self diagnosed aspie, I’m sorry. Like I said in the beginning, is it an aspie thing, or an introvert thing? To be honest, I don’t know. Anonymous


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