It doesn’t take much for me to return to my bad habits. Idleness being the main (biggest) bad habit of them all. So few things I need to get done, and I consistently push them aside as if I have better things to do (I don’t). After working full-time for two weeks, and complaining that I never have time for myself, I talked myself into quitting the job that, thinking about it now, I’m sure I could have done. Now I have more than enough time to myself (for now), and as usual, I’m doing absolutely nothing with this time. I think I may actually be looking forward to starting (what could have been) my second job (I’m not). The odd thing about me is that I put a high value on myself. Which, to most, shouldn’t be a problem. That means I know what I deserve, what I should be doing. I put a high value on myself, but I’ve done nothing to deserve that value. So here I am thinking “I’m too good for this job” when truth is, I’ve done nothing to prove that I’m better than it, nor do I practice my skills. This job is not what I want to be doing, but I can’t get a job in what I want. So what am I supposed to do?
I started reading Aspergirls by Rudy Simone the other day. Not really reading it, just skimming through the chapters that interest me (That’s how I read and watch new shows by the way. I never understood why, but I’ll basically spoil myself by reading/watching various parts, then start back at the beginning and read/watch it all together).
In the chapter Friendships and Socializing, it says:
We have short-term memory issues so while we might be vehemently angry at someone for a while, we can quite literally forget why we were so mad after a time. This may cause us to go back again and again to the same unhealthy friendship or relationship, with the same patterns of behavior and expectations, until something quite dramatic happens–enough to lose empathy completely and close a door forever.
This is how I feel about my life. Although I have had some similar relationships with people also. In my life, I get so tired of the way I’m living and I tell myself “I’m going to change, I’m going to push myself to do better at life for myself“. This sticks for a couple of days, then I revert back to my same old habits. I may have said in my previous post that I was going to continue looking for work, but the next day, it’s almost as if I forgot and I have gone back to doing what I do best. Nothing. What I would like to know, is what dramatic thing would have to happen in my life for me to really buckle down and do what I need to do to change.
I’m disappointed in myself. These past few days have been pretty bad. Sometimes I wish I was like everyone else. I want goals. Instead I’m just this idle person with nothing to give the world, and when I remember that, it sucks. I know how that last sentence must sound, but don’t worry. I’m not depressed. At least I don’t think I am. I imagine that if I have to question it, I’m not. I’m not suicidal either. I’m good, I’m just not very happy with myself, with my life, with some of the choices I’ve made and the fact that I don’t have enough ambition to change anything about it.