Work Xmas Party

I can complain, but I have people to complain to now, so I’ll try not to do that here.

I will say, that I thought I was getting better. Correction, I am getting better. Or maybe I forgot how good I was at pretending. When I got home, I was in the fetal position, head in hands for a good hour before I was able to get up again. I literally need to reenergize when I get home after being out. Especially if I’ve been interacting with people. With work, it’s usually about 30 mins. Mind you, when I’m reenergizing, I do nothing constructive. I’ll usually play a mindless game on my phone (Any of the Candy Crush games, Sudoku or 2048), and I don’t change out of my work clothes. Tonight, it’s almost like I was knocked out. People really don’t understand what socializing does to an introvert. Or whatever I have. I sometimes feel like it’s deeper than that. I didn’t have my phone or anything, just me in a dark room, eye closed, reenergizing. Not really thinking about anything. Powered off.

Not complaining.

Sorry, I have to remind myself not to complain. I just wrote a full paragraph an had to delete it. Now I’m sad. And worried. I was optimistic when I started this new job. In a way, I still am, but this party really put a damper on things. And now I’m lonely. I can’t socialize, I hate parties. Tonight reassured me of that. So what does my future hold? If I can’t carry small talk, how am I supposed to meet anyone? I may cry tonight. I may not. I honestly don’t know. I do know, however, that I probably should have avoided the liquor tonight. Not at the party. There was not alcohol at the party. I’m referring to right now. As I sit here, alone.

ReNn

The title of this post has little to do with the content.

I’m Not Looking For Sympathy, But….

I definitely not looking for sympathy. I don’t want people feeling sorry for me. What I am looking for is some kind of support. From anyone. Just someone to listen. Someone who won’t make smug comments when I start to feel a bit off. And is it so wrong to ask for that from the person I’m closest to?

My sister, I love her dearly, but she has never supported me. And I know she puts up with a lot from me, but don’t tell me that you love me more than I love you. You don’t know that. You don’t know how I’m feeling. When I say that I’m not sure whether I’m mentally or physically tiered (It’s definitely mentally now), respond as a caring person, or don’t respond at all. I think/talk out loud, so when I’m saying this, I’m not actually seeking a response.

I’m an introvert living in a house with 4 other people. Two of them are toddlers. Even if I had a lock on my door it wouldn’t be enough because I know I’m not actually alone. Being in a room isn’t enough for me, because I’m still acting quiet for other people in the house. It bothers me when she tries on my clothes without my permission and leave them lying on my bed vs putting them back where she took them from. It bothers me when my nephews barge into my room and touch everything. It bothers me even more when I come home from work and find my room in a completely different state to what I left it in. I don’t like people touching my things. My sister knows this. But she completely disregards my feelings. I hold all this in, and when I can’t anymore, I tell her, which results in her not caring which just adds to the things I hold back.

She really upset me today, and there’s nothing I can do about it (but suck it up, right?). Talking to her would lead to nothing because she doesn’t actually care. Because the things I care about, the things that bother me are so minute to her problems. According to her.

ReNn

Why I Comment Anonymously

I’m an introvert who fears rejection. Rejection makes me sad. Rejection makes me feel… rejected. To avoid that feeling, I tend to not write anyone anywhere. Saves me the bad feelings and embarrassment. That’s why I have no friends. But, sometimes, when I’m feeling lonely, I try to reach out to people. Instead of being anonymous, I’m onymous and I send comments to people I’ve never spoken to before. But every time I get this wave of courage, people don’t respond and I revert back to being anonymous. Sort of. I actually fear rejection so much that most of the time I talk myself out of sending comments on anonymous. I’ll type it all out, then say, “What’s the point?” and delete it.

That’s actually what I’m going through right now. Over the past few days, I went comment crazy. I follow these blog closely, and it bothers me that these people are interacting with other bloggers and posting new things, but have yet to reply me. I try to give them the benefit of the doubt, but that doesn’t last long and I still end up upset.

It’s a horrible way to live. I know this because I’m thirty and my only friend is my sister, who’s house I live in, along with her husband and children. Fear is holding me back so much in life and it’s defeating me. At least five times a week, I say “I’m so lonely”. But even if I had friends, I wouldn’t hang out with them all the time. I’m an introvert, but one can only be introverted for so long before they need interaction with other human beings. Co-workers don’t count.

ReNn

I Am No Longer In My Twenties

I’ve been making such a big deal about this, but it’s really nothing. It’s just a number. I think the reason why I’ve been having such a hard time turning thirty is that I’m not where I see myself at this age. Granted, I never gave it much thought, just thought I’d be in my twenties forever, but that’s not possible. To this day though, I look down to people my age and I actually feel sorry for them. I feel like they’ve given up on everything and can’t have fun anymore. But again, at the same time, a part of me wishes I were where they are.

I haven’t told anyone at work it’s my birthday today. My sister tells me, it’s none of their business anyways. They’re not my friends. Which is true, but how am I supposed to make friends if I keep closing people off. Don’t get me wrong, I still don’t want to tell them. But the “worst” that would happen, is them telling me happy birthday.

I’m honestly torn between living the life I want to live (doing nothing, which isn’t possible) and being an actual grown up, and I feel now more than ever, at the age of thirty, I really need to step it up and grow up. Or at least get a job that doesn’t pay minimum so I can live of my own. I hate my job.

ReNn

Independant

If there’s one thing I’ve always told people, is if I had to, I could take care of myself.

For most of my life, I’ve been living with other people and seeming somewhat dependant on others. Years ago, my mom said that she would stop cooking for me because I had to learn to do it for myself. I said fine. I was never worried though because I knew she wouldn’t stop. Basically if I didn’t cook, she wouldn’t either. So either there’s no food in the house, or she would have to cook. She ended up cooking obviously. In the later years though, she just got lazy and didn’t cook at all and somehow managed to get other people to cook her/us dinner. Kind of weird, considering she was a grown woman, but who cares right? I still didn’t have to cook. Even the times I house sat for my mom, family would either cook for me, or my mom would leave meals for me. I didn’t have to cook.

Fast forward a few years, I am now living with my sisters family and she cooks for her family. If she didn’t want to, my brother in law would. No complaints here. Free food for me.

Fast forward to this past week, I’m left in a house alone with no groceries or food. Family went out of town. I have a job now, so I can afford food. That wasn’t a problem. Over the past few years, I’ve become a little more conscious of the stuff I put in my body. There are certain things I won’t eat now. I won’t eat fast food unless I absolutely have to. I eat fast food probably less then 10 times in a year. Don’t even present me with a frozen dinner unless you made it and put it in the freezer yourself. This week I was left with no choice but to cook. So that’s what I did.

I had the house to myself, a 3 litre bottle of wine and I got to pick my own meals. Honestly, I was in heaven. I didn’t realize how much I needed that time to myself until now. Stuck in a house with toddlers is the noisiest thing ever, and you’re limited on what you can do because they’re always around. I can’t listen to my music, be on my phone or my laptop around them because they want to do it too. I’m not mad at them, they’re kids. I had 100% freedom and I loved it.

If there’s anything this past week has shown me, is that it really is time for me to be on my own. My current job is only part time and it doesn’t pay that much, so I’m going to have to get another job. I’m also going to have to spend more time in my craft to practice and get a job in my field (I feel like I’ve said this 1000 times).

One thing I will always remember. An ex of mine (my only one) once told me that one of the reasons why he liked me was for my independence. Sure I was living at home, but I wasn’t really depending on my mom for anything. I had my own money and I wasn’t even a huge fan of him paying for my dinner (when we went out). If someone were to pay for my stuff now, I would still feel weird about it. For me to ask anyone for financial help with anything, I would have to be really desperate because I just don’t do that. So as screwed up as I am, I’m not that bad.

Long story short, I’m lazy, but if I have to move and do something for myself, I’ll do it and not sit in my own filth and starve. I’m not entirely sure where this entry was heading, so I’m just going to awkwardly end it here.

I can be independent. YAY!!!
ReNn

20 Things About Me

On Instagram, I was tagged in one of those memes where you post 20 random facts about yourself. I normally tend to steer clear from all of these, and considering I have no friends (other than my sister), I have no one to tag (I’m not going to tag acquaintances). My sister, however, insisted that I do it.

Now the advantage about naming 20 random things about yourself, is that you can name anything. I have over 20 years under my belt, so it shouldn’t be that difficult. I think what my original struggle with this task was that I’ve spent so many years putting myself down, and calling myself boring, that I’ve actually been living that way. If someone were to ask me what I do in my spare time, I wouldn’t be able to respond anything interesting. I don’t do much. So when I first started working on it, I was only able to list about 5 things. Pretty disappointing, but after taking a break on it, and coming back to it a few hours later, I was able to finish the list.

Now I know doing something like this isn’t that stressful. I wasn’t stressing about it. I was overthinking it. I am an extremely private person. I’m not sure why, but I have these walls built up and it takes a while for me to let people in. That’s one of the main reasons why I have this blog. It’s no good keeping feelings all bottle up, and because of my lack of openness and my inability to reach out to people (I fear making a mockery of myself), I have no friends. It’s easier for me to talk here because no one knows who I am. I’m anonymous. So my overthinking, when I was writing this list, was that people will now know things about me they never knew. I’m opening myself to other people. When thinking about it like this, I decided to add a few things my sister didn’t even know. (I’m not sure if those last few sentences very articulate, and I apologize if they’re not.)

With all of this being said, after writing and posting this list, I started to think about my life and what I used to do in my spare time, and I noticed, that I have a tendency to teach myself new things when I have a strong enough interest in it. Granted, learning it myself takes more time, it’s something I used to do in my spare time, and vs doing nothing. And now, I think it’s time I start doing things myself again. The one disadvantage to teaching yourself something is that if you don’t have the discipline to keep it up, you end up wasting your time on what could be a useful skill.

On my list, some of the things I started teaching myself: Japanese (although that didn’t last very long), painting in Photoshop (which is very time-consuming because I don’t have a drawing tablet and was painting with my laptop trackpad. Not even a mouse) and HTML. I don’t think I’ll try to learn Japanese again anytime soon, but I find it interesting that I was interested enough in the language to try to teach it to myself. It’s time I go back to painting in Photoshop though. I have a very strong appreciation for art and I would love to be able to create something as breathtaking as some of the art I’ve seen (I’m so amazed by realistic paintings).

Now I think I need to come up with a list of things I can do in my spare time vs wasting it on Tumblr reposting things others have created. I love Tumblr so much (is that a bad thing to say), but it’s such a waste of time. I do want to get back into painting, and now that I’m working, a drawing tablet is at the top of my purchase list. This way and I can continue practicing how to paint and it not be so tedious. I want to continue reading Aspergirls. I mentioned in my last post that I started to skim through it, but it’s hard to really want to sit and read it if I don’t have a hard copy. I don’t like long reads on a screen. Especially small screens, like my phone. I also want to write. Something of the things I didn’t mention in my 20 Things About Me list, for fear of being judged, I read fanfiction, I’ve written fanfiction (years ago, it wasn’t very good, and I have no idea where those stories I wrote are), and I’m thinking about writing a short story before the year is over. I have read some good fanfic these past few months and it’s so inspiring what some of these people have created. When I see something I love, I tend to want to be able to do it myself, and that’s how I end up teaching myself so many random new things.

So now when I find myself doing nothing, wasting time on Tumblr, I need to get into some of the things I just mentioned in the previous paragraph. It’ll be fun, I won’t be as bored, and I won’t struggle as much to come up with something to say about myself. Its time to expand my mind.

ReNn

Idle

It doesn’t take much for me to return to my bad habits. Idleness being the main (biggest) bad habit of them all. So few things I need to get done, and I consistently push them aside as if I have better things to do (I don’t). After working full-time for two weeks, and complaining that I never have time for myself, I talked myself into quitting the job that, thinking about it now, I’m sure I could have done. Now I have more than enough time to myself (for now), and as usual, I’m doing absolutely nothing with this time. I think I may actually be looking forward to starting (what could have been) my second job (I’m not). The odd thing about me is that I put a high value on myself. Which, to most, shouldn’t be a problem. That means I know what I deserve, what I should be doing. I put a high value on myself, but I’ve done nothing to deserve that value. So here I am thinking “I’m too good for this job” when truth is, I’ve done nothing to prove that I’m better than it, nor do I practice my skills. This job is not what I want to be doing, but I can’t get a job in what I want. So what am I supposed to do?

I started reading Aspergirls by Rudy Simone the other day. Not really reading it, just skimming through the chapters that interest me (That’s how I read and watch new shows by the way. I never understood why, but I’ll basically spoil myself by reading/watching various parts, then start back at the beginning and read/watch it all together).

In the chapter Friendships and Socializing, it says:

We have short-term memory issues so while we might be vehemently angry at someone for a while, we can quite literally forget why we were so mad after a time. This may cause us to go back again and again to the same unhealthy friendship or relationship, with the same patterns of behavior and expectations, until something quite dramatic happens–enough to lose empathy completely and close a door forever.

This is how I feel about my life. Although I have had some similar relationships with people also. In my life, I get so tired of the way I’m living and I tell myself “I’m going to change, I’m going to push myself to do better at life for myself“. This sticks for a couple of days, then I revert back to my same old habits. I may have said in my previous post that I was going to continue looking for work, but the next day, it’s almost as if I forgot and I have gone back to doing what I do best. Nothing. What I would like to know, is what dramatic thing would have to happen in my life for me to really buckle down and do what I need to do to change.

I’m disappointed in myself. These past few days have been pretty bad. Sometimes I wish I was like everyone else. I want goals. Instead I’m just this idle person with nothing to give the world, and when I remember that, it sucks. I know how that last sentence must sound, but don’t worry. I’m not depressed. At least I don’t think I am. I imagine that if I have to question it, I’m not. I’m not suicidal either. I’m good, I’m just not very happy with myself, with my life, with some of the choices I’ve made and the fact that I don’t have enough ambition to change anything about it.

ReNn