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Suicide Season –

A must read. Especially for those sitting comfortably in their lives when they know they could be doing more.


Can I quit?

I’ll admit, I’m kind of slow. I can be told all the facts about a situation, and I can recite those facts. I’ll even understand those facts, but I won’t get it until a month later. Same goes for music. I’ll listen to a song. I’ll love the song, I’ll sing the lyrics, but if you asked me what the song was about, I wouldn’t be able to tell you. Then about a month later, a light bulb will go off in my head and I’m either shocked, disturbed or amused because I didn’t realize how bad or clever a song was.

I’ve been working this new job for about a month.  During training, one of my trainers told me not to do customer service.  It doesn’t pay more and it’s more stressful. I sort of shrugged it off because I’ve done it before for another company and it wasn’t really a big deal. Yesterday, following a month of training, I was asked if I wanted to do customer service along with some other tasks. I agreed, already knowing I wasn’t going to get paid more, but the tasks came along with the title “Supervisor”. The title made me excited and I was happy. Now this company that I’m working for likes to make a profit. What company doesn’t, but they are really taking advantage of students and people in need of jobs, and here’s why.

  1. Everyone gets paid minimum wage. No matter how many additional tasks you take on, you’re only making the minimum. Unless you’re a manager I assume.
  2. All employees are part-time. You know what that means, no benefits. So even though I’m part-time, if they start giving me full-time hours, I’ll still be considered part-time and I will never be able to have any health benefits. I doubt they even offer any. So I’ll have to see about getting my own health plan.
  3. Before the company opened up, they had all their minimum wage employees helping with the clean up. That’s not what I hired for. Why am I cleaning up? Shouldn’t clean up be something people volunteer for or something a hired crew would do?

This company overcharges for their services and offers their employees the bare minimum so that the managers and bosses and owners can profit. It’s ridiculous. I feel like I’m the only person who realizes this also. My co-workers seem to be oblivious to this because everyone is always smiling all the time and happy and I don’t get it. It makes me wonder if all employment in this city is like this everywhere, because most of the people I work with are working two jobs. I was kind of scared to get another job, because I wouldn’t know how to manage two jobs part-time if there is no set schedule, but my employer is expecting way to much from their employees and they aren’t offering very much in return. They also keep scheduling me out of my availability. They aren’t paying attention to repeated requests.

I briefly looked into started a union, but I’m not friends with anyone I work with, and I wouldn’t be sure how to bring it up. Also, because it appears as though everyone is wearing rose-coloured glasses, I’m scared someone will go back and tell management, then I’ll get fired and be jobless. So I’ve decided that I’ll just take on the other tasks. I don’t want to be stuck doing the same thing everyday. If I don’t like the responsibility, I’m going back to the one task, looking for another job and quitting. Or maybe do the two. I don’t know. I’m never sure of what I want to do. I tend to go back and forth for weeks, but I don’t like how this company works. If I can find full-time somewhere else, I’ll take it. I really need to start looking for something else though.


Watching Tv Shows Repeatedly

Does anyone else do this?

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen each episode of my favourite Tv Shows. I’ll watch it live, then when it’s available, I download it and watch it again to catch any small details I may have missed during the first watch. Then any other time I watch it, It’s more like I’m studying it. I’ll watch my favourite parts, but I’ll also watch the actors and study their acting. Sometimes, I’ll have a random memory of a line and have to watch it to get closure. But I enjoy it so much, I end up re-watching the entire episode yet again.

To me, I’ve always been like this. If I really like something, I can watch it 1000 times and never get tired of it. I want to take it all in all the time. My problem is my sister. I’m currently unemployed, and she just keeps telling me to “stop it”. She says “You’re basically watching other people work while you’re wasting your time”. Which isn’t completely untrue, but I don’t know how to articulate to her that I can’t help it. And even if I were to tell her that, she’d tell me that’s a stupid excuse. She forbade me to download the last episode of the show I watch, but kept the recording on the tv. Said if I wanted to watch it again, it’s there. When I asked her today if she was okay with me downloading it now (it’s been 5 days after it aired) she said “No. Why? You’ve seen it twice already. You don’t need to see it again. Put all that energy/passion into something else”. But the problem is, I can’t force myself to put energy into something that I don’t care about. And sadly enough, I don’t care enough about getting a job. So I’m not trying all that hard. Which I do feel upset about because I’ve been unemployed for two years now.

Anyways, I really don’t know why I do this. But I’d like to know if there is anyone else out there with the same issue of watching things repeatedly. Also, if someone who could help me understand why I do this.

I don’t even understand me

I feel like a teenager trapped in an adult body. I know the way I act is completely unacceptable for my age, but why is it I’m feeling this way? I told myself I’m over him. I wasn’t. Then he goes and reminds me in the most hurtful way. Pretty much telling me what I’ve told him. We’re not really friends. We text each other and he saw me only a handful of times last year. So why would he be upset that I didn’t tell him I left? Then somehow goes to say that my mood is has something to do with me not seeing opportunity in front of my face and tells me to grow up. SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH ME!!! I know this. I don’t know what it is and I can’t afford to see a psychiatrist. I’m to scared to do or try anything new, and when I actually go through with something, I have regrets the following day because it’s not what I’m used to. Although I’ve been told that there is more opportunity here for me, there isn’t. I wanted to do something in my field. Here, that’s hardly even possible. I had a much better chance staying where I was. And I still wasn’t finding anything. I’m scared, I’m frustrated, I feel lost and left out. It’s just so not what I’m used to, but I hated what I was used to. I feel like I’m being judged for everything I do, or everything I don’t do. I just don’t feel right at all. I can put on a face when people are around but as of today I can’t stop crying when I’m alone. I’m trying to be brave but I don’t know if I can, and if I do lose it I will be judge even more.I can’t let my sister down. I don’t want to. I also don’t want to go back. I don’t know what I want. But I’m not in a good place mentally. At all.What makes me feel worse about this is that it’s only the second day. I don’t feel right. I don’t feel right at all.

I’m not proofreading this. Not tonight. I’m not good. I’m in a really low place. I can’t do it tonight. I don’t get me. I don’t get who I am. I’lll never be happy.


Not a regular…

I’ve said this before, I will not be posting to this blog on a regular time schedule. As if it weren’t obvious. Nothing is going on in my life so I have nothing to share. I usually just write when I need to complain or vent about the imperfect life that is the way it is because of me and me alone. I’ll admit, I felt a little depressed a few days ago, then I got out of it. I did some Christmas shopping today. For once I actually went out with a goal and completed all the tasks on my list. That’s rare. I even got a few extra things that I’m not upset about either. For now. Today was an alright day. Now I’m off to bed. I have to be awake in 5 hours for work.

I haven’t forgotten. I’ve just got nothing to report.


I think when I post to my Facebook and/or twitter I’m going to start sharing that here as well. Just to get more variety on this blog. Words words words. Let’s get some music and pictures on here too.

Hello world!

I literally thought up this idea a few minutes ago. I need to vent. Who doesn’t right? I have no one to talk to, and sometimes I just need to get things off my chest. This is where I plan on doing it. I just hope like other “great ideas” I’ve had, I don’t quit on it. Other blogs I’ve had I’ve tried to be something I’m not. I try to please the fans even though I don’t have any.  I’ve tried using an alias, but I just feel dishonest. That’s a bit of an issue I have. So here’s my solution. I tell no one I know about this blog, except for maybe my sister.  MAYBE.  Just so that she will get a better understanding of who I am. She is my second half, my best friend. I love her, but most of the time I feel like she doesn’t get me. I tend to have a hard time expressing my feelings verbally. So any argument we’ve had, she’s won.

Disclaimer. I tend to ramble. I may start off talking about one topic then completely shift to something else. That’s how I am. I can’t help it. What’s discouraged me a lot is trying to edit myself out so people won’t get confused about what I’m talking about. I don’t care anymore. I shouldn’t care. This blog is for me and no one else.

Anyways, it is currently 4:46am. I’ve got a lot to do tomorrow and I’m supposed to be up in approx. 4 hours. I look forward to keeping this blog alive.