Work Xmas Party

I can complain, but I have people to complain to now, so I’ll try not to do that here.

I will say, that I thought I was getting better. Correction, I am getting better. Or maybe I forgot how good I was at pretending. When I got home, I was in the fetal position, head in hands for a good hour before I was able to get up again. I literally need to reenergize when I get home after being out. Especially if I’ve been interacting with people. With work, it’s usually about 30 mins. Mind you, when I’m reenergizing, I do nothing constructive. I’ll usually play a mindless game on my phone (Any of the Candy Crush games, Sudoku or 2048), and I don’t change out of my work clothes. Tonight, it’s almost like I was knocked out. People really don’t understand what socializing does to an introvert. Or whatever I have. I sometimes feel like it’s deeper than that. I didn’t have my phone or anything, just me in a dark room, eye closed, reenergizing. Not really thinking about anything. Powered off.

Not complaining.

Sorry, I have to remind myself not to complain. I just wrote a full paragraph an had to delete it. Now I’m sad. And worried. I was optimistic when I started this new job. In a way, I still am, but this party really put a damper on things. And now I’m lonely. I can’t socialize, I hate parties. Tonight reassured me of that. So what does my future hold? If I can’t carry small talk, how am I supposed to meet anyone? I may cry tonight. I may not. I honestly don’t know. I do know, however, that I probably should have avoided the liquor tonight. Not at the party. There was not alcohol at the party. I’m referring to right now. As I sit here, alone.


The title of this post has little to do with the content.


Can I quit?

I’ll admit, I’m kind of slow. I can be told all the facts about a situation, and I can recite those facts. I’ll even understand those facts, but I won’t get it until a month later. Same goes for music. I’ll listen to a song. I’ll love the song, I’ll sing the lyrics, but if you asked me what the song was about, I wouldn’t be able to tell you. Then about a month later, a light bulb will go off in my head and I’m either shocked, disturbed or amused because I didn’t realize how bad or clever a song was.

I’ve been working this new job for about a month.  During training, one of my trainers told me not to do customer service.  It doesn’t pay more and it’s more stressful. I sort of shrugged it off because I’ve done it before for another company and it wasn’t really a big deal. Yesterday, following a month of training, I was asked if I wanted to do customer service along with some other tasks. I agreed, already knowing I wasn’t going to get paid more, but the tasks came along with the title “Supervisor”. The title made me excited and I was happy. Now this company that I’m working for likes to make a profit. What company doesn’t, but they are really taking advantage of students and people in need of jobs, and here’s why.

  1. Everyone gets paid minimum wage. No matter how many additional tasks you take on, you’re only making the minimum. Unless you’re a manager I assume.
  2. All employees are part-time. You know what that means, no benefits. So even though I’m part-time, if they start giving me full-time hours, I’ll still be considered part-time and I will never be able to have any health benefits. I doubt they even offer any. So I’ll have to see about getting my own health plan.
  3. Before the company opened up, they had all their minimum wage employees helping with the clean up. That’s not what I hired for. Why am I cleaning up? Shouldn’t clean up be something people volunteer for or something a hired crew would do?

This company overcharges for their services and offers their employees the bare minimum so that the managers and bosses and owners can profit. It’s ridiculous. I feel like I’m the only person who realizes this also. My co-workers seem to be oblivious to this because everyone is always smiling all the time and happy and I don’t get it. It makes me wonder if all employment in this city is like this everywhere, because most of the people I work with are working two jobs. I was kind of scared to get another job, because I wouldn’t know how to manage two jobs part-time if there is no set schedule, but my employer is expecting way to much from their employees and they aren’t offering very much in return. They also keep scheduling me out of my availability. They aren’t paying attention to repeated requests.

I briefly looked into started a union, but I’m not friends with anyone I work with, and I wouldn’t be sure how to bring it up. Also, because it appears as though everyone is wearing rose-coloured glasses, I’m scared someone will go back and tell management, then I’ll get fired and be jobless. So I’ve decided that I’ll just take on the other tasks. I don’t want to be stuck doing the same thing everyday. If I don’t like the responsibility, I’m going back to the one task, looking for another job and quitting. Or maybe do the two. I don’t know. I’m never sure of what I want to do. I tend to go back and forth for weeks, but I don’t like how this company works. If I can find full-time somewhere else, I’ll take it. I really need to start looking for something else though.


About Last Night

Incapable of going back. In my mind I can conceive it, but it is nothing compared to the passion felt living in the dream. Waking up, breathless, stunned by an impression, but also disenchanted it was all over. Fighting to go back to sleep, just to feel these feelings once more. Distracted, I cannot. I can only hope that in the nights to come I get to experience it yet again.

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Simple things. I’ve been working on this portfolio for months now. Because I lack consistency, I’ve been working on it on and off.  I feel like I’ve come to an end. I’m frustrated with this thing. I feel like I’m trying to be something I’m not by added codes to this portfolio that I don’t really know how to do. Now things aren’t going my way and I have no idea how on earth to fix it. I’m just so frustrated because I don’t want to start all over. I’m so tired of looking at this website. I was so happy with it, but now I’m so sick of it. I’m going to start sketching some new ideas. That’s all I can do and see where it goes. I’m tired of starting things and never finishing them, and I feel like a part of me is just using this as an excuse but I’ve been working on it for a few hours and I cannot figue it out. I’M DONE!