Can I quit?

I’ll admit, I’m kind of slow. I can be told all the facts about a situation, and I can recite those facts. I’ll even understand those facts, but I won’t get it until a month later. Same goes for music. I’ll listen to a song. I’ll love the song, I’ll sing the lyrics, but if you asked me what the song was about, I wouldn’t be able to tell you. Then about a month later, a light bulb will go off in my head and I’m either shocked, disturbed or amused because I didn’t realize how bad or clever a song was.

I’ve been working this new job for about a month.  During training, one of my trainers told me not to do customer service.  It doesn’t pay more and it’s more stressful. I sort of shrugged it off because I’ve done it before for another company and it wasn’t really a big deal. Yesterday, following a month of training, I was asked if I wanted to do customer service along with some other tasks. I agreed, already knowing I wasn’t going to get paid more, but the tasks came along with the title “Supervisor”. The title made me excited and I was happy. Now this company that I’m working for likes to make a profit. What company doesn’t, but they are really taking advantage of students and people in need of jobs, and here’s why.

  1. Everyone gets paid minimum wage. No matter how many additional tasks you take on, you’re only making the minimum. Unless you’re a manager I assume.
  2. All employees are part-time. You know what that means, no benefits. So even though I’m part-time, if they start giving me full-time hours, I’ll still be considered part-time and I will never be able to have any health benefits. I doubt they even offer any. So I’ll have to see about getting my own health plan.
  3. Before the company opened up, they had all their minimum wage employees helping with the clean up. That’s not what I hired for. Why am I cleaning up? Shouldn’t clean up be something people volunteer for or something a hired crew would do?

This company overcharges for their services and offers their employees the bare minimum so that the managers and bosses and owners can profit. It’s ridiculous. I feel like I’m the only person who realizes this also. My co-workers seem to be oblivious to this because everyone is always smiling all the time and happy and I don’t get it. It makes me wonder if all employment in this city is like this everywhere, because most of the people I work with are working two jobs. I was kind of scared to get another job, because I wouldn’t know how to manage two jobs part-time if there is no set schedule, but my employer is expecting way to much from their employees and they aren’t offering very much in return. They also keep scheduling me out of my availability. They aren’t paying attention to repeated requests.

I briefly looked into started a union, but I’m not friends with anyone I work with, and I wouldn’t be sure how to bring it up. Also, because it appears as though everyone is wearing rose-coloured glasses, I’m scared someone will go back and tell management, then I’ll get fired and be jobless. So I’ve decided that I’ll just take on the other tasks. I don’t want to be stuck doing the same thing everyday. If I don’t like the responsibility, I’m going back to the one task, looking for another job and quitting. Or maybe do the two. I don’t know. I’m never sure of what I want to do. I tend to go back and forth for weeks, but I don’t like how this company works. If I can find full-time somewhere else, I’ll take it. I really need to start looking for something else though.

ReNn

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Independant

If there’s one thing I’ve always told people, is if I had to, I could take care of myself.

For most of my life, I’ve been living with other people and seeming somewhat dependant on others. Years ago, my mom said that she would stop cooking for me because I had to learn to do it for myself. I said fine. I was never worried though because I knew she wouldn’t stop. Basically if I didn’t cook, she wouldn’t either. So either there’s no food in the house, or she would have to cook. She ended up cooking obviously. In the later years though, she just got lazy and didn’t cook at all and somehow managed to get other people to cook her/us dinner. Kind of weird, considering she was a grown woman, but who cares right? I still didn’t have to cook. Even the times I house sat for my mom, family would either cook for me, or my mom would leave meals for me. I didn’t have to cook.

Fast forward a few years, I am now living with my sisters family and she cooks for her family. If she didn’t want to, my brother in law would. No complaints here. Free food for me.

Fast forward to this past week, I’m left in a house alone with no groceries or food. Family went out of town. I have a job now, so I can afford food. That wasn’t a problem. Over the past few years, I’ve become a little more conscious of the stuff I put in my body. There are certain things I won’t eat now. I won’t eat fast food unless I absolutely have to. I eat fast food probably less then 10 times in a year. Don’t even present me with a frozen dinner unless you made it and put it in the freezer yourself. This week I was left with no choice but to cook. So that’s what I did.

I had the house to myself, a 3 litre bottle of wine and I got to pick my own meals. Honestly, I was in heaven. I didn’t realize how much I needed that time to myself until now. Stuck in a house with toddlers is the noisiest thing ever, and you’re limited on what you can do because they’re always around. I can’t listen to my music, be on my phone or my laptop around them because they want to do it too. I’m not mad at them, they’re kids. I had 100% freedom and I loved it.

If there’s anything this past week has shown me, is that it really is time for me to be on my own. My current job is only part time and it doesn’t pay that much, so I’m going to have to get another job. I’m also going to have to spend more time in my craft to practice and get a job in my field (I feel like I’ve said this 1000 times).

One thing I will always remember. An ex of mine (my only one) once told me that one of the reasons why he liked me was for my independence. Sure I was living at home, but I wasn’t really depending on my mom for anything. I had my own money and I wasn’t even a huge fan of him paying for my dinner (when we went out). If someone were to pay for my stuff now, I would still feel weird about it. For me to ask anyone for financial help with anything, I would have to be really desperate because I just don’t do that. So as screwed up as I am, I’m not that bad.

Long story short, I’m lazy, but if I have to move and do something for myself, I’ll do it and not sit in my own filth and starve. I’m not entirely sure where this entry was heading, so I’m just going to awkwardly end it here.

I can be independent. YAY!!!
ReNn

20 Things About Me

On Instagram, I was tagged in one of those memes where you post 20 random facts about yourself. I normally tend to steer clear from all of these, and considering I have no friends (other than my sister), I have no one to tag (I’m not going to tag acquaintances). My sister, however, insisted that I do it.

Now the advantage about naming 20 random things about yourself, is that you can name anything. I have over 20 years under my belt, so it shouldn’t be that difficult. I think what my original struggle with this task was that I’ve spent so many years putting myself down, and calling myself boring, that I’ve actually been living that way. If someone were to ask me what I do in my spare time, I wouldn’t be able to respond anything interesting. I don’t do much. So when I first started working on it, I was only able to list about 5 things. Pretty disappointing, but after taking a break on it, and coming back to it a few hours later, I was able to finish the list.

Now I know doing something like this isn’t that stressful. I wasn’t stressing about it. I was overthinking it. I am an extremely private person. I’m not sure why, but I have these walls built up and it takes a while for me to let people in. That’s one of the main reasons why I have this blog. It’s no good keeping feelings all bottle up, and because of my lack of openness and my inability to reach out to people (I fear making a mockery of myself), I have no friends. It’s easier for me to talk here because no one knows who I am. I’m anonymous. So my overthinking, when I was writing this list, was that people will now know things about me they never knew. I’m opening myself to other people. When thinking about it like this, I decided to add a few things my sister didn’t even know. (I’m not sure if those last few sentences very articulate, and I apologize if they’re not.)

With all of this being said, after writing and posting this list, I started to think about my life and what I used to do in my spare time, and I noticed, that I have a tendency to teach myself new things when I have a strong enough interest in it. Granted, learning it myself takes more time, it’s something I used to do in my spare time, and vs doing nothing. And now, I think it’s time I start doing things myself again. The one disadvantage to teaching yourself something is that if you don’t have the discipline to keep it up, you end up wasting your time on what could be a useful skill.

On my list, some of the things I started teaching myself: Japanese (although that didn’t last very long), painting in Photoshop (which is very time-consuming because I don’t have a drawing tablet and was painting with my laptop trackpad. Not even a mouse) and HTML. I don’t think I’ll try to learn Japanese again anytime soon, but I find it interesting that I was interested enough in the language to try to teach it to myself. It’s time I go back to painting in Photoshop though. I have a very strong appreciation for art and I would love to be able to create something as breathtaking as some of the art I’ve seen (I’m so amazed by realistic paintings).

Now I think I need to come up with a list of things I can do in my spare time vs wasting it on Tumblr reposting things others have created. I love Tumblr so much (is that a bad thing to say), but it’s such a waste of time. I do want to get back into painting, and now that I’m working, a drawing tablet is at the top of my purchase list. This way and I can continue practicing how to paint and it not be so tedious. I want to continue reading Aspergirls. I mentioned in my last post that I started to skim through it, but it’s hard to really want to sit and read it if I don’t have a hard copy. I don’t like long reads on a screen. Especially small screens, like my phone. I also want to write. Something of the things I didn’t mention in my 20 Things About Me list, for fear of being judged, I read fanfiction, I’ve written fanfiction (years ago, it wasn’t very good, and I have no idea where those stories I wrote are), and I’m thinking about writing a short story before the year is over. I have read some good fanfic these past few months and it’s so inspiring what some of these people have created. When I see something I love, I tend to want to be able to do it myself, and that’s how I end up teaching myself so many random new things.

So now when I find myself doing nothing, wasting time on Tumblr, I need to get into some of the things I just mentioned in the previous paragraph. It’ll be fun, I won’t be as bored, and I won’t struggle as much to come up with something to say about myself. Its time to expand my mind.

ReNn

Idle

It doesn’t take much for me to return to my bad habits. Idleness being the main (biggest) bad habit of them all. So few things I need to get done, and I consistently push them aside as if I have better things to do (I don’t). After working full-time for two weeks, and complaining that I never have time for myself, I talked myself into quitting the job that, thinking about it now, I’m sure I could have done. Now I have more than enough time to myself (for now), and as usual, I’m doing absolutely nothing with this time. I think I may actually be looking forward to starting (what could have been) my second job (I’m not). The odd thing about me is that I put a high value on myself. Which, to most, shouldn’t be a problem. That means I know what I deserve, what I should be doing. I put a high value on myself, but I’ve done nothing to deserve that value. So here I am thinking “I’m too good for this job” when truth is, I’ve done nothing to prove that I’m better than it, nor do I practice my skills. This job is not what I want to be doing, but I can’t get a job in what I want. So what am I supposed to do?

I started reading Aspergirls by Rudy Simone the other day. Not really reading it, just skimming through the chapters that interest me (That’s how I read and watch new shows by the way. I never understood why, but I’ll basically spoil myself by reading/watching various parts, then start back at the beginning and read/watch it all together).

In the chapter Friendships and Socializing, it says:

We have short-term memory issues so while we might be vehemently angry at someone for a while, we can quite literally forget why we were so mad after a time. This may cause us to go back again and again to the same unhealthy friendship or relationship, with the same patterns of behavior and expectations, until something quite dramatic happens–enough to lose empathy completely and close a door forever.

This is how I feel about my life. Although I have had some similar relationships with people also. In my life, I get so tired of the way I’m living and I tell myself “I’m going to change, I’m going to push myself to do better at life for myself“. This sticks for a couple of days, then I revert back to my same old habits. I may have said in my previous post that I was going to continue looking for work, but the next day, it’s almost as if I forgot and I have gone back to doing what I do best. Nothing. What I would like to know, is what dramatic thing would have to happen in my life for me to really buckle down and do what I need to do to change.

I’m disappointed in myself. These past few days have been pretty bad. Sometimes I wish I was like everyone else. I want goals. Instead I’m just this idle person with nothing to give the world, and when I remember that, it sucks. I know how that last sentence must sound, but don’t worry. I’m not depressed. At least I don’t think I am. I imagine that if I have to question it, I’m not. I’m not suicidal either. I’m good, I’m just not very happy with myself, with my life, with some of the choices I’ve made and the fact that I don’t have enough ambition to change anything about it.

ReNn

Recaps and Updates

So I quit my new job today. It was at a call centre doing sales. I wanted to challenge myself when I took this job on, but I quit before I even tried and I’m actually quite disappointed in myself. I think I just managed to psych myself out days before actually having to go on the phone, and as the day got closer, I just quit before I even tried. I’m sure I would have done well too. Training was a breeze for me. I retained a lot of the information and I’m sure, had I actually gotten on the phone, I would have been fine after the first week. It would have taken time to get used to, but I didn’t even try. The guy I was shadowing today (before I quit) was so good, and so fast, I just got really overwhelmed and lost any bit of confidence I thought I had to do the job. It also sucks, because I met some really nice people there that I will probably never see again. I NEED FRIENDS.

Now, no worries, because I have another job. So I’m not unemployed again (thankfully), but I am starting over. I’m sure I’ll be fine with that one because it’s something that I’ve done before. So I’m not worried. I just really wished I got the other job I had interviewed for last week. They didn’t call me back, but the title for that position would have looked so awesome on my resume. But it wasn’t meant to be. And that’s okay.

I will continue looking for work as of tomorrow. I really need to find something that I’ll truly be happy with. I was telling my sister earlier that I think I was meant to work for myself. The main problem with that, is that I have no friends and I suck at networking. Even if I were to work for myself. Last month, I got a volunteer position to work with this organization. I’m glad I didn’t give them any serious personal information, because after I got the position, I didn’t hear back from them. It’s been over a month. Knowing me and my possible dyslexia, I probably misread the email and didn’t get back to them when I was supposed to. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve read things and was convinced it said one thing, until I was about to reply and read it again for the 10th time, finally realizing what it actually says. I will recheck that email tomorrow. It’s late. Working 9-5, I don’t know how people do it. I’m so drained when I get home that I don’t feel like doing anything. Then by the time I’ve recharged, it’s time for bed and it’s time to do it all over again. I used to complain about inconstant work schedules, but now I love them.

What else have I been up to? Other than being sleep deprived, and struggling to keep up with tv shows, while not really paying attention because I’m on online, I’ve committed to trying to read a little more. Still no books, but some really good fan fiction written by fans. It’s honestly the best alternative for people who just can’t afford to buy a good at the moment. AUs and fantasies about your fav tv characters, impatiently waiting for the next chapter/update. It’s like watching tv but you’re reading it and painting pictures in your mind with the words. I love it. I think the reason why I’ve always hated reading and writing before, is because I was being forced to in school, and if I don’t have an interest for something, I’m not capable of putting my everything towards it, unless I really have to.

Not sure how I got here, but I’m out. I’ve been up for 13 hrs, my eyes are red and it’s time for bed. I’ll probably watch community first though.

ReNn

Employed

I took me two years, but I finally got a job. It’s at a call centre and I’m not excited about it at all. There’s nothing I hate more than being on the phone. For me to do that as a job? I don’t know how I’m going to deal, but I do have an interview next week for an assistant manager position. I will be going to that, and when I get that job, I’m quitting the call centre. Retail is more my domain because I already have many years of experience in it. But I’m sticking with the call centre for now because I need an income.

So this entry was just to keep anyone reading updated. Wish me luck and that I don’t get too anxious.

ReNn

Untitled

As the day progresses, my heart beats faster. I have three interviews this week. Which is really good. The main problem, is that each interview is a group interview.

My first one is today, and as time progresses, my nerves are growing and I’m becoming more anxious. I’m supposed to be researching the company right now but I can’t focus because I’m dreading being in a group setting type of interview. I have done them before and hated it each time. I’m trying my hardest to remain calm and not lose it until after the interview.

One of the only times I was able to speak out loud in a group setting was in college. That was because the teacher I had expected all the students to participate by asking questions and commenting. I wanted to pass, so I participated. So maybe from here on out, I’m just going to focus on getting the job. I don’t even want this job, but I need a job. I’ll try to change my focus and hopefully I’ll get through it. I’m actually mostly worried about my interview on Thursday. It’s an interactive interview. I hate those even more. At least with a regular group interview it’s just a hand full of people. Interactive interviews have way too many people to my liking. The more people who are there, the more eyes that are on me, the less articulate I become, and I’m already inarticulate to begin with.

I’m a bit calmer now. I think I just needed to write something out. It helps me think through my thoughts. When I was telling my sister, all she kept saying was, “It’ll be fun. Pretend it’s for an acting job. You just have to prove how much better you are than everyone else”. I hate performing in front of people. I have social anxiety and I lack confidence. Telling me to pretend it’s an acting job isn’t going to make matters better.

I’m calmer.

ReNn