Work Xmas Party

I can complain, but I have people to complain to now, so I’ll try not to do that here.

I will say, that I thought I was getting better. Correction, I am getting better. Or maybe I forgot how good I was at pretending. When I got home, I was in the fetal position, head in hands for a good hour before I was able to get up again. I literally need to reenergize when I get home after being out. Especially if I’ve been interacting with people. With work, it’s usually about 30 mins. Mind you, when I’m reenergizing, I do nothing constructive. I’ll usually play a mindless game on my phone (Any of the Candy Crush games, Sudoku or 2048), and I don’t change out of my work clothes. Tonight, it’s almost like I was knocked out. People really don’t understand what socializing does to an introvert. Or whatever I have. I sometimes feel like it’s deeper than that. I didn’t have my phone or anything, just me in a dark room, eye closed, reenergizing. Not really thinking about anything. Powered off.

Not complaining.

Sorry, I have to remind myself not to complain. I just wrote a full paragraph an had to delete it. Now I’m sad. And worried. I was optimistic when I started this new job. In a way, I still am, but this party really put a damper on things. And now I’m lonely. I can’t socialize, I hate parties. Tonight reassured me of that. So what does my future hold? If I can’t carry small talk, how am I supposed to meet anyone? I may cry tonight. I may not. I honestly don’t know. I do know, however, that I probably should have avoided the liquor tonight. Not at the party. There was not alcohol at the party. I’m referring to right now. As I sit here, alone.


The title of this post has little to do with the content.


Why I Comment Anonymously

I’m an introvert who fears rejection. Rejection makes me sad. Rejection makes me feel… rejected. To avoid that feeling, I tend to not write anyone anywhere. Saves me the bad feelings and embarrassment. That’s why I have no friends. But, sometimes, when I’m feeling lonely, I try to reach out to people. Instead of being anonymous, I’m onymous and I send comments to people I’ve never spoken to before. But every time I get this wave of courage, people don’t respond and I revert back to being anonymous. Sort of. I actually fear rejection so much that most of the time I talk myself out of sending comments on anonymous. I’ll type it all out, then say, “What’s the point?” and delete it.

That’s actually what I’m going through right now. Over the past few days, I went comment crazy. I follow these blog closely, and it bothers me that these people are interacting with other bloggers and posting new things, but have yet to reply me. I try to give them the benefit of the doubt, but that doesn’t last long and I still end up upset.

It’s a horrible way to live. I know this because I’m thirty and my only friend is my sister, who’s house I live in, along with her husband and children. Fear is holding me back so much in life and it’s defeating me. At least five times a week, I say “I’m so lonely”. But even if I had friends, I wouldn’t hang out with them all the time. I’m an introvert, but one can only be introverted for so long before they need interaction with other human beings. Co-workers don’t count.


I love being alone

Until I don’t. I tend to alienate people because I’m most comfortable alone. But because of that, when I am ready to hang out with people, they are nowhere to be found. That could explain why I have no friends. My sister is my best and only friend. In a few weeks, I’m visiting my mom back home. There’s one person that I could meet up with, but he never wants to hang out with me for some reason. He’s very selective with me. One week he’s calling me constantly and the next week, it’s as if we’re strangers. So I’ll be spending most of my week at home. It’s actually kind of depressing. I take part in no activities and I don’t have a job, so I’m literally not interacting with anyone. Even at church, there are a couple of people I may speak to, but they’re all moms that I only speak to because of my sister. There’s no one there my age either.

The other day I went for a walk and hoped for some random to strike up a conversation with me. But the second someone makes eye contact with me, I immediately look away. Social interactions freak me out and I wish they didn’t. It’s hopeless, I’m hopeless. I hope I find the strength to change my ways a little bit. I just hate being out of my comfort zone. But being in it is getting me no where in life.


A New Day!

It’s amazing how different one can feel after 24 hours. I went through quite a few emotions, but I’m feeling pretty good right now.

Last night I got a full nights rest. I thought that would have recharged me but it didn’t. Baby nephew was crying and toddler was misbehaving and I just broke down. I cried. Out loud. That was actually new to me because I’m usually a silent crier. Toddler went to bed, fed baby a bottle and suddenly it is was just me. I called my mom and asked her to come visit tomorrow to help me out. She agreed and suddenly it seems as though I’ve been on cloud 9 for the remainder of the day. And to top it all off, when my brother-in-law came back from the hospital, he surprised me with a bottle of rum. For the past couple of days I’ve been trying to avoid telling my sister how stressed I was, but I couldn’t hold it in anymore and I told her. I assume she told her husband and voilà! To be honest, I could care less for a drink. I’m alone in my room right now and that’s all I need. Just a little me time in an awesome mood.

The music sounds great!

Just lock me up in a room.

All I need is a computer with the internet and I’ll be fine. If I didn’t have to socialize for the rest of my life I’d be great. My mind is going to a dark place today because I over thinking about someone else’s actions towards me. I don’t feel welcomed and I have no time to myself to cry. I stay up late only to regret it the next morning because someone else would rather ignore their responsibility as a parent to sleep in. Causing me to do their job when it’s not my place. Don’t get me wrong, I love the kid, but I’m not his parent and I would love more time than his nap time to just be alone with my thoughts. Is that too much? And just when I get a minute, he wakes up, now I’m gone to put on a smile and act like nothing wrong.


Forever Alone

Same song different entry. It’s a Saturday night, and I spent the night trying on clothes, playing in makeup, taking photos and watching TV. Mom just got back from a birthday party not too long ago and I spent the night home alone. What else is new? Well, I was actually invited to a birthday party myself. I would have liked to go, but there’s no way I’m going to stroll around downtown by myself to attend a party for an acquaintance. I have no friends. Not true, I have my sister and my crush. Problem, my sister doesn’t live in the area and my crush… *sigh* You know we’ve been friends for about 3 years, and we’re pretty close,  but I don’t think we’ve ever actually gone out anywhere together. Except for that one night I borrowed my moms car and we drove around the city, but other than that. Like he’s embarrassed to be seen with me. Hmmm, I take back thinking he likes me. I’m pretty sure if he did, he’d want to show me off. Unless I’m like his guilty pleasure he hides from the world. Actually, yes. He has literally hid me before so people he knew didn’t know I was around while he was talking them.

Be that as it may, my love life, non existant. I’ve had one boyfriend in my life. Our relationship lasted 3 months. Our friendship before that, about 5 years, could be more. What did I learn? Don’t date a guy with no goals. Only problem with that though, I find anyone with goals intimidating. Sounds crazy I know, but I haven’t got much to be proud of myself. My life is sad. I need to change it, I’m the only one that can change it, yet I don’t and end up complaining about the same things over and over again. Every Sunday my grandmother asks me why I haven’t found suitable suitor yet. “What am I waiting for?” She asks. She’s telling me to get out there and talk to people, but I don’t know how. I keep telling her that I’m okay, but I’m not, and I think she knows because she’s alone herself. She doesn’t like telling her brothers what’s going on with my life because nothing is going on. When they talk about my job, instead of saying “Oh that’s nice.” They tell her “Well it’s better than nothing.” I hate this life and I feel like I’m stuck in it. No one gets it. No one gets me, and when I try to explain to them, they laugh it off or look at me like I’m crazy or something. Or using it as an excuse and I swear I’m not trying to. I’m scared. Scared of change, scared of everything.

My sister spoke to a coworker about me the other day. He thinks I could be Asexual. I don’t think so. I’m not stupid. Although I should get properly diagnosed, I’m 99% sure I’m Dyslexic and have Aspergers. I guess what I’m trying to say is that it would make more sense if I were properly diagnosed, but I’ve read the symptoms, I’m not Asexual. But for the fact that my own sister is now starting to question if I’ll ever find someone, and she’s talking to other people about it. In some weird way it hurts.  Oddly enough my mom seems to be the most positive one out of this whole being single thing. Even though she likes to compare myself to her a lot, she’s the only one saying positive things. Unfortunately it also leads to false hope. Like what the future holds for my crush and I. She thinks we’ll end up together, I obviously hope so, but I’m definitely not holding my breath. With as many people as he speaks to though (mostly girls), I’m surprised he’s been single the entire time we’ve been friends. He does talk about other girls but… I don’t know what he’s looking for.

So here I am, a girl in her late 20s with no social skills, VERY few friends, picky taste, and her entire family pitying her for her life choices that aren’t really choices. My answer. God has a plan for me. I tell myself that all the time, but I need to believe it. Let’s say I will be alone for the rest of my life, if that is my destiny, I should embrace it. I mean, I would LOVE to have at least one child to call my own. I’ve even told myself that if things never really work out for me relationship wise I would adopt, but before I even consider that, I really need to get my life in order, move from under my moms roof and just be on my own. It won’t be easy. It might actually be more lonely, but it’s got to be done. God will be with me. I just need to strengthen my faith so that I believe it myself. Funny how quick a mood can change. 5 minutes ago I was pouring my eyes out, now I’m siting here typing with this grin on my face like everything has just sorted itself out.

I’m an emotional wreck.
“Whoa is me”