Work Xmas Party

I can complain, but I have people to complain to now, so I’ll try not to do that here.

I will say, that I thought I was getting better. Correction, I am getting better. Or maybe I forgot how good I was at pretending. When I got home, I was in the fetal position, head in hands for a good hour before I was able to get up again. I literally need to reenergize when I get home after being out. Especially if I’ve been interacting with people. With work, it’s usually about 30 mins. Mind you, when I’m reenergizing, I do nothing constructive. I’ll usually play a mindless game on my phone (Any of the Candy Crush games, Sudoku or 2048), and I don’t change out of my work clothes. Tonight, it’s almost like I was knocked out. People really don’t understand what socializing does to an introvert. Or whatever I have. I sometimes feel like it’s deeper than that. I didn’t have my phone or anything, just me in a dark room, eye closed, reenergizing. Not really thinking about anything. Powered off.

Not complaining.

Sorry, I have to remind myself not to complain. I just wrote a full paragraph an had to delete it. Now I’m sad. And worried. I was optimistic when I started this new job. In a way, I still am, but this party really put a damper on things. And now I’m lonely. I can’t socialize, I hate parties. Tonight reassured me of that. So what does my future hold? If I can’t carry small talk, how am I supposed to meet anyone? I may cry tonight. I may not. I honestly don’t know. I do know, however, that I probably should have avoided the liquor tonight. Not at the party. There was not alcohol at the party. I’m referring to right now. As I sit here, alone.

ReNn

The title of this post has little to do with the content.

Why I Comment Anonymously

I’m an introvert who fears rejection. Rejection makes me sad. Rejection makes me feel… rejected. To avoid that feeling, I tend to not write anyone anywhere. Saves me the bad feelings and embarrassment. That’s why I have no friends. But, sometimes, when I’m feeling lonely, I try to reach out to people. Instead of being anonymous, I’m onymous and I send comments to people I’ve never spoken to before. But every time I get this wave of courage, people don’t respond and I revert back to being anonymous. Sort of. I actually fear rejection so much that most of the time I talk myself out of sending comments on anonymous. I’ll type it all out, then say, “What’s the point?” and delete it.

That’s actually what I’m going through right now. Over the past few days, I went comment crazy. I follow these blog closely, and it bothers me that these people are interacting with other bloggers and posting new things, but have yet to reply me. I try to give them the benefit of the doubt, but that doesn’t last long and I still end up upset.

It’s a horrible way to live. I know this because I’m thirty and my only friend is my sister, who’s house I live in, along with her husband and children. Fear is holding me back so much in life and it’s defeating me. At least five times a week, I say “I’m so lonely”. But even if I had friends, I wouldn’t hang out with them all the time. I’m an introvert, but one can only be introverted for so long before they need interaction with other human beings. Co-workers don’t count.

ReNn

Slightly Discouraged

Ever since I’ve decided to make more of a conscious effort to change my ways and push myself to get a job, I feel less down. Which is a good thing. I’m actually happy with myself that I’m making an effort and it feels good to do something, but I’ve gone on two interviews and nothing. Now I know I should expect a job right away, but during these interviews, although I am giving good answers, I see/feel myself being awkward. I don’t know how to describe it, but I feel like people can tell I’m not like everyone else. Maybe I just look nervous to them, I don’t know. Because I’m not, I don’t go into these interviews nervous, I just feel judged whenever I talk to people. Like I only know how to fake being like everyone to a certain extent, but not completely. (Just now realizing I do not have social anxiety, maybe I really am just an introvert that struggles conversing with other people).

I really don’t think I’m meant to work with other people. I’m applying for jobs that I know I can do, but I’m also limited because I’m not perfectly bilingual. I know I shouldn’t isolate myself more, and to be honest, I’ve been isolating myself less in the past two weeks. Sure I’m still in the house, but just to sit quietly in a room with other people feels a little less awkward, and being around other people while I’m job hunting also pushes me to keep looking and to be less distracted when I’m alone. Sure I still get distracted, I’m only human, but I’m way more focused than when I’m alone in my room.

Like I said, I’m going to keep looking for work, but my next task, is to push myself more into doing some graphic design. Teach myself new techniques and even doing more of what I already know. Next step after that, make an attempt to network. Oh how I hate that, but I need to. I don’t think I ever have, but these little things will help me get more work in graphic design and help me to meet new people.

Staying positive!

ReNn

Social Circles

I’m at work right now, and as much as I enjoy the shifts where I’m working alone, sometimes I’d prefer working wit someone. That way I look less antisocial when everyone is socializing and I’m off by myself somewhere in plane sight for others to see me. It’s quite awkward. Especially since I’ve been seeing these same people for over a year. Some I began talking to, but I can never keep it up. I’ll have phases where I have the confidence to talk to these people, then something shifts and I because I never know what to say, I purposely avoid eye contact to avoid just having to say hi. But something I’ve always wondered, what do these people think of me. Do they even think of me? Do they think I’m stuck up or just really shy? I’m sure some have realized that I’m not a bad person. Like I said, I talk to some, but not all. The ones I do talk to, I would just talk to them in front of everyone else. But sometimes it gets awkward when they come over and join in. I tend to shut down and back away. I could even leave without saying anything.

I blame Aspergers. Do I have it? I still don’t know, so technically I can’t blame it, but I want to blame something. I want to overcome this thing, and I do try sometimes, but other times it’s like I’ve forgotten everything I’ve told myself to do and it’s like I’m back to where I’ve started. My sister thinks I can just stop being a certain way and just be like everyone else, but she doesn’t listen. I may seem like everyone else on the outside but on the inside, my wiring is very different.

I guess that’s all I wanted to say. I’m starting to fall asleep as I type. I didn’t get much sleep last night. Thankfully my shift is nearly dead.

Anonymous
(I didn’t proof read, so I apologize if there are any grammatical errors)