I’m Not Looking For Sympathy, But….

I definitely not looking for sympathy. I don’t want people feeling sorry for me. What I am looking for is some kind of support. From anyone. Just someone to listen. Someone who won’t make smug comments when I start to feel a bit off. And is it so wrong to ask for that from the person I’m closest to?

My sister, I love her dearly, but she has never supported me. And I know she puts up with a lot from me, but don’t tell me that you love me more than I love you. You don’t know that. You don’t know how I’m feeling. When I say that I’m not sure whether I’m mentally or physically tiered (It’s definitely mentally now), respond as a caring person, or don’t respond at all. I think/talk out loud, so when I’m saying this, I’m not actually seeking a response.

I’m an introvert living in a house with 4 other people. Two of them are toddlers. Even if I had a lock on my door it wouldn’t be enough because I know I’m not actually alone. Being in a room isn’t enough for me, because I’m still acting quiet for other people in the house. It bothers me when she tries on my clothes without my permission and leave them lying on my bed vs putting them back where she took them from. It bothers me when my nephews barge into my room and touch everything. It bothers me even more when I come home from work and find my room in a completely different state to what I left it in. I don’t like people touching my things. My sister knows this. But she completely disregards my feelings. I hold all this in, and when I can’t anymore, I tell her, which results in her not caring which just adds to the things I hold back.

She really upset me today, and there’s nothing I can do about it (but suck it up, right?). Talking to her would lead to nothing because she doesn’t actually care. Because the things I care about, the things that bother me are so minute to her problems. According to her.

ReNn

Idle

It doesn’t take much for me to return to my bad habits. Idleness being the main (biggest) bad habit of them all. So few things I need to get done, and I consistently push them aside as if I have better things to do (I don’t). After working full-time for two weeks, and complaining that I never have time for myself, I talked myself into quitting the job that, thinking about it now, I’m sure I could have done. Now I have more than enough time to myself (for now), and as usual, I’m doing absolutely nothing with this time. I think I may actually be looking forward to starting (what could have been) my second job (I’m not). The odd thing about me is that I put a high value on myself. Which, to most, shouldn’t be a problem. That means I know what I deserve, what I should be doing. I put a high value on myself, but I’ve done nothing to deserve that value. So here I am thinking “I’m too good for this job” when truth is, I’ve done nothing to prove that I’m better than it, nor do I practice my skills. This job is not what I want to be doing, but I can’t get a job in what I want. So what am I supposed to do?

I started reading Aspergirls by Rudy Simone the other day. Not really reading it, just skimming through the chapters that interest me (That’s how I read and watch new shows by the way. I never understood why, but I’ll basically spoil myself by reading/watching various parts, then start back at the beginning and read/watch it all together).

In the chapter Friendships and Socializing, it says:

We have short-term memory issues so while we might be vehemently angry at someone for a while, we can quite literally forget why we were so mad after a time. This may cause us to go back again and again to the same unhealthy friendship or relationship, with the same patterns of behavior and expectations, until something quite dramatic happens–enough to lose empathy completely and close a door forever.

This is how I feel about my life. Although I have had some similar relationships with people also. In my life, I get so tired of the way I’m living and I tell myself “I’m going to change, I’m going to push myself to do better at life for myself“. This sticks for a couple of days, then I revert back to my same old habits. I may have said in my previous post that I was going to continue looking for work, but the next day, it’s almost as if I forgot and I have gone back to doing what I do best. Nothing. What I would like to know, is what dramatic thing would have to happen in my life for me to really buckle down and do what I need to do to change.

I’m disappointed in myself. These past few days have been pretty bad. Sometimes I wish I was like everyone else. I want goals. Instead I’m just this idle person with nothing to give the world, and when I remember that, it sucks. I know how that last sentence must sound, but don’t worry. I’m not depressed. At least I don’t think I am. I imagine that if I have to question it, I’m not. I’m not suicidal either. I’m good, I’m just not very happy with myself, with my life, with some of the choices I’ve made and the fact that I don’t have enough ambition to change anything about it.

ReNn

Watching Tv Shows Repeatedly

Does anyone else do this?

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen each episode of my favourite Tv Shows. I’ll watch it live, then when it’s available, I download it and watch it again to catch any small details I may have missed during the first watch. Then any other time I watch it, It’s more like I’m studying it. I’ll watch my favourite parts, but I’ll also watch the actors and study their acting. Sometimes, I’ll have a random memory of a line and have to watch it to get closure. But I enjoy it so much, I end up re-watching the entire episode yet again.

To me, I’ve always been like this. If I really like something, I can watch it 1000 times and never get tired of it. I want to take it all in all the time. My problem is my sister. I’m currently unemployed, and she just keeps telling me to “stop it”. She says “You’re basically watching other people work while you’re wasting your time”. Which isn’t completely untrue, but I don’t know how to articulate to her that I can’t help it. And even if I were to tell her that, she’d tell me that’s a stupid excuse. She forbade me to download the last episode of the show I watch, but kept the recording on the tv. Said if I wanted to watch it again, it’s there. When I asked her today if she was okay with me downloading it now (it’s been 5 days after it aired) she said “No. Why? You’ve seen it twice already. You don’t need to see it again. Put all that energy/passion into something else”. But the problem is, I can’t force myself to put energy into something that I don’t care about. And sadly enough, I don’t care enough about getting a job. So I’m not trying all that hard. Which I do feel upset about because I’ve been unemployed for two years now.

Anyways, I really don’t know why I do this. But I’d like to know if there is anyone else out there with the same issue of watching things repeatedly. Also, if someone who could help me understand why I do this.

I love being alone

Until I don’t. I tend to alienate people because I’m most comfortable alone. But because of that, when I am ready to hang out with people, they are nowhere to be found. That could explain why I have no friends. My sister is my best and only friend. In a few weeks, I’m visiting my mom back home. There’s one person that I could meet up with, but he never wants to hang out with me for some reason. He’s very selective with me. One week he’s calling me constantly and the next week, it’s as if we’re strangers. So I’ll be spending most of my week at home. It’s actually kind of depressing. I take part in no activities and I don’t have a job, so I’m literally not interacting with anyone. Even at church, there are a couple of people I may speak to, but they’re all moms that I only speak to because of my sister. There’s no one there my age either.

The other day I went for a walk and hoped for some random to strike up a conversation with me. But the second someone makes eye contact with me, I immediately look away. Social interactions freak me out and I wish they didn’t. It’s hopeless, I’m hopeless. I hope I find the strength to change my ways a little bit. I just hate being out of my comfort zone. But being in it is getting me no where in life.

Anonymous

Maybe it’s an Aspie thing…

Or maybe I’m just an introvert? I don’t like last-minute changes in anything. If my mind is set on something, I usually like to mentally prepare myself in advance for it. So when I have time to myself, or expect time to myself, I tend to get excited. It’s the time I enjoy the most and I’ve had very little time to myself recently. Well tonight I was expecting some me time. I was thinking, I was going to be able to sleep in. My sisters father in law is spending the night, so he has my room. Not a problem, I haven’t been spending much time in there since my sister has been in the hospital. I’m not offended by that like I was when he was here this past Christmas, but this is what I thought. Since he has my room, I’d be in the basement while father of child slept in his room with the baby. Well, baby is sleeping in the playpen in the living room. You would think father of child would think “Okay, instead of picking baby up to bring him upstairs so he doesn’t wake up, I’ll sleep in the living room.” But no, that would be far to convenient for me. So instead of a deep sleep. Instead of me being able to sleep in, which is what I mentally prepared myself for, I am now somehow sleeping on the main floor with the baby when I could have my own space and sleep in the basement. Why does this suck? Well sure, no one else is awake, so technically, until everyone else wakes up it is my own space. But what bothers me is that anyone can come down at any time. That is much less likely in the basement because no one has any business there. This also means, that instead of possibly waking up at 9am and sleeping rather deeply, I must sleep extremely lightly and be woken up every time my nephew coos; and in approximately 2 hours from now, he will be awake ready for a bottle. I’ll be woken up sometime between 6am and 7:30am by my older nephew who will then want to watch Bubble Guppies while I’d rather sleep. Had I known I was going to be waking up before everyone else in the morning, I would have maybe taken a nap before I had to give up my room. Now, it is 1am. I am writing this entry and I am pissed off because I wasn’t prepared. Because I wasn’t mentally prepared. I cried a little. That’s how upset I am. This life, this isn’t me. I am not a mother. I imagined myself having at least one child in the future, but never my own. Adoption. And an older kid at that, not a baby. Someone that can speak for themselves, is potty trained and that would sleep through the night. Either way, I never signed up for this, nor have I ever wanted to. Call it selfish. A lot of people think I am. But considering the situation, I did what needed to be done. For my sister and my sister alone. On top of that, we have mice. Big problem. I am the only person who’s attempting to do anything about it also. I’ve made an effort putting all the foods the mice go after in containers. The sound of them nibbling through things erks me and I cannot sleep through it. I just told my brother-in-law that too, and his response was a smile and goodnight. He said he’d get traps tomorrow, but my main issue is that I won’t be able to sleep through it tonight. And it’s not like I can wear headphones to sleep because I have to listen out for my nephew. I hate this, and every time my sister asks, I tell her it’s not a problem and it’s not true. Well it’s partially true. I’d do almost anything for her, but sometimes I think I don’t like my brother-in-law. And it’s confusing, because my sisters ex boyfriends, I knew which ones I liked and which ones i didn’t like, but this one. As a person, I guess I’m okay with him, but he has certain habits about him that piss me off. And I feel like, now that my sister isn’t here, he’s just expecting me to pick up where she left off. But the way I see it, again, not trying to sound selfish, as long as he is home and he does not have to wake up super early for work, it’s not my problem. It shouldn’t be my problem unless I offer. I did not offer. Had my sister been here, she would have never expected me to watch the kids throughout the night. Or, she would at least ask me to stay downstairs for a few hours and switch places sometime in the morning so she could get some rest. But he’s not like that and I don’t like that. I want to sleep just as much as he does, and although he was working all week, watching his children without pay is work too. Again, call me selfish but I don’t care anymore. I’m very upset right now. Had I known I was watching the baby I wouldn’t be writing this entry. My laptop would be off in my room and I would trying to get some sleep. Instead I’m frustrated and writing this entry. I need the prepare myself. That’s just how I work. I hate last-minute changes and I don’t cop well with them. And if I don’t get sleep tonight, and he’s going back to work on Monday, that means I’m sleeping on this damn couch again tomorrow night. I want a bed, I want to sleep, I want some time to myself and I hate that this does sound selfish but this is how I feel. Now I get that I have not been diagnosed with aspergers. I do recognise that I do have some of the traits, and if I offend anyone by being a self diagnosed aspie, I’m sorry. Like I said in the beginning, is it an aspie thing, or an introvert thing? To be honest, I don’t know. Anonymous

Emotionally and Mentally Drained

Why is it that when you figure out what it is you need/want to do things get in the way?

For the past few days my sister has been in the hospital. Her and her husband have been out the house. Any other day it would be a dream come true for me, but not in this case. I’ve been babysitting for the past three days and tomorrow makes it four. Day one, stressful. My 2-year-old nephew wasn’t bad, but my 11 month old nephew didn’t sleep at all. I don’t think I’m very good at multi tasking either. I want to get things done, but it’s as if I take the task of watching the boys extremely literally. Just because the baby is awake, doesn’t mean he can’t sit in his baby seat while I take care of other things, but I’m incapable of doing that. Then you have the moment when both boys are crying out for something, my mind gets all scrambled because my sister is also asking me to look for things to put in a bag so her husband can take them to her in the hospital. Too much for me to handle.

Yesterday was better because the baby slept all day, but again, I’m watching the children. At this point, I’m no longer stressed and my battery is starting to drain. Let’s say I’m at about 50%. I got more things done yesterday because my brother-in-law came home in the evening to cook, so I didn’t really have to watch the boys and I was able to get things done. Laundry, dishes, etc.

I had about 5 hours of sleep last night. Woke up at 5:45 when my brother-in-law left for the hospital. Today I’ve drained to about 20%. I know my battery is low because I keep feeling like I want to cry. I’ve had enough. People keep asking how I’m doing, and I tell them I’m doing fine because I don’t want to worry anyone. I wanted to work on my resume for the past few days and when I actually had the opportunity to do so, I couldn’t focus. Also, my period is late and I’m showing very few signs of it popping up any day now.

I’m tired of “watching” kids shows on TV and I’m tired of pretending I care when I know don’t. I know they’re just toddler and baby, and I know this may seem selfish, but I need some time to myself. Especially after coming out of a depressing day on Monday. Nothing in particular, I was just depressed. Even now, I could be working on my resume, but I’m not in the right state of mind. Usually music helps me to relax, but not tonight. That’s how I know it’s bad. And even if I were to go to sleep right now; sleeping doesn’t count as me time to refill my battery.

I will say this though, I appreciate my sister a lot more, and I’m going to make an effort to sleep in a little less often and help her out. I’m a night person, so I usually sleep late and wake up late. I do need to help her around more, but at the same time, I really need to get more resume’s out so I can get a job. I’m running low on personal funds (Not from spending, but that another story. Let’s just say I need to learn how to say no and other people need to figure out their life choices so they can stop living from pay cheque to pay cheque. Mercedes is a nice car, but if you’re going to buy two, don’t get them second-hand. They cost an arm and a leg to fix.)

I actually feel a little better. I think I’m at about 45% now. But if I was told I’d have to watch the kids this second, I shoot down to 15%. I might have the energy to work on these resumes, hopefully I’ll get at least one of them done.

Anonymous

P.s.
Please don’t misinterpret my words. I love my nephews with all my heart.