Work Xmas Party

I can complain, but I have people to complain to now, so I’ll try not to do that here.

I will say, that I thought I was getting better. Correction, I am getting better. Or maybe I forgot how good I was at pretending. When I got home, I was in the fetal position, head in hands for a good hour before I was able to get up again. I literally need to reenergize when I get home after being out. Especially if I’ve been interacting with people. With work, it’s usually about 30 mins. Mind you, when I’m reenergizing, I do nothing constructive. I’ll usually play a mindless game on my phone (Any of the Candy Crush games, Sudoku or 2048), and I don’t change out of my work clothes. Tonight, it’s almost like I was knocked out. People really don’t understand what socializing does to an introvert. Or whatever I have. I sometimes feel like it’s deeper than that. I didn’t have my phone or anything, just me in a dark room, eye closed, reenergizing. Not really thinking about anything. Powered off.

Not complaining.

Sorry, I have to remind myself not to complain. I just wrote a full paragraph an had to delete it. Now I’m sad. And worried. I was optimistic when I started this new job. In a way, I still am, but this party really put a damper on things. And now I’m lonely. I can’t socialize, I hate parties. Tonight reassured me of that. So what does my future hold? If I can’t carry small talk, how am I supposed to meet anyone? I may cry tonight. I may not. I honestly don’t know. I do know, however, that I probably should have avoided the liquor tonight. Not at the party. There was not alcohol at the party. I’m referring to right now. As I sit here, alone.


The title of this post has little to do with the content.


This is Awkward

I was always taught to use my manners, so when I say “thank you”, I expect a “you’re welcome” or a “no problem” in return. Instead, all I get is an “okay” or a nod, or a “mhmm”. I’m right to be annoyed by this right? So am I in the wrong if I don’t say anything at all when a specific person leaves something back for me? I have a tendency to either do things, or not do things to avoid negative outcomes, for example an outcome that would make me upset. Better example, not saying you’re welcome in this situation specifically. But what makes it worse, is that we’ve been living together for the past (almost) 8 months and I’m still not used to him yet. Mainly because of the lack of communication on both our parts. How I get use to people, they basically talk to me¬†incessantly until I’m used to them, because I would never go out of my way to speak to them. That’s just how I am. I don’t do ‘social’, I don’t like small talks. If I’ve got nothing to say, I’m not going to look for something to say. So with lack of communication on both our parts, I doubt we’ll ever get along.

On another note, I’m done with my only friend other than my sister. He tried to put me down the other day over something stupid. I don’t know if he thought he was calling me stupid on purpose was funny, but he wasn’t laughing and neither was I, and I didn’t take kindly to his mean, unnecessary words, especially since the day before I stopped what I was doing to help him out with something. If how he spoke and treated me is how he would treat a girlfriend, he’s not as good and sweet as everyone makes him out to me. After we got off the phone (after he put me down), he texted me and called me about other things. I have not responded. I may have a lot of time on my hands, but I most definitely don’t have time for him and I’m so disappointed it took me so long to realize this. I feel the need to tell him what an ass he was, but honestly it won’t do any good. I can’t deliver feelings properly and knowing him, he’s forgotten about it by now. But maybe the next time he tries to contact me I’ll just tell him I’m done because he doesn’t bring anything positive to my life. The way he spoke to me actually reminded me of the time my ex boyfriend cussed me out over a stupid comment he made that I apparently misinterpreted. I doubt I did.

I feel like I’ve grown a little over the past few days. I hope this feeling doesn’t go away like most good feelings do, but if this situation is anything like when I cut off all ties with my ex boyfriend, I’ll be fine, because I have my sister. One day someone else will come along, but until then, at least I know I’ll be fine.

Happy Days,