Work Xmas Party

I can complain, but I have people to complain to now, so I’ll try not to do that here.

I will say, that I thought I was getting better. Correction, I am getting better. Or maybe I forgot how good I was at pretending. When I got home, I was in the fetal position, head in hands for a good hour before I was able to get up again. I literally need to reenergize when I get home after being out. Especially if I’ve been interacting with people. With work, it’s usually about 30 mins. Mind you, when I’m reenergizing, I do nothing constructive. I’ll usually play a mindless game on my phone (Any of the Candy Crush games, Sudoku or 2048), and I don’t change out of my work clothes. Tonight, it’s almost like I was knocked out. People really don’t understand what socializing does to an introvert. Or whatever I have. I sometimes feel like it’s deeper than that. I didn’t have my phone or anything, just me in a dark room, eye closed, reenergizing. Not really thinking about anything. Powered off.

Not complaining.

Sorry, I have to remind myself not to complain. I just wrote a full paragraph an had to delete it. Now I’m sad. And worried. I was optimistic when I started this new job. In a way, I still am, but this party really put a damper on things. And now I’m lonely. I can’t socialize, I hate parties. Tonight reassured me of that. So what does my future hold? If I can’t carry small talk, how am I supposed to meet anyone? I may cry tonight. I may not. I honestly don’t know. I do know, however, that I probably should have avoided the liquor tonight. Not at the party. There was not alcohol at the party. I’m referring to right now. As I sit here, alone.

ReNn

The title of this post has little to do with the content.

A New Day!

It’s amazing how different one can feel after 24 hours. I went through quite a few emotions, but I’m feeling pretty good right now.

Last night I got a full nights rest. I thought that would have recharged me but it didn’t. Baby nephew was crying and toddler was misbehaving and I just broke down. I cried. Out loud. That was actually new to me because I’m usually a silent crier. Toddler went to bed, fed baby a bottle and suddenly it is was just me. I called my mom and asked her to come visit tomorrow to help me out. She agreed and suddenly it seems as though I’ve been on cloud 9 for the remainder of the day. And to top it all off, when my brother-in-law came back from the hospital, he surprised me with a bottle of rum. For the past couple of days I’ve been trying to avoid telling my sister how stressed I was, but I couldn’t hold it in anymore and I told her. I assume she told her husband and voilà! To be honest, I could care less for a drink. I’m alone in my room right now and that’s all I need. Just a little me time in an awesome mood.

Anonymous
The music sounds great!

Emotionally and Mentally Drained

Why is it that when you figure out what it is you need/want to do things get in the way?

For the past few days my sister has been in the hospital. Her and her husband have been out the house. Any other day it would be a dream come true for me, but not in this case. I’ve been babysitting for the past three days and tomorrow makes it four. Day one, stressful. My 2-year-old nephew wasn’t bad, but my 11 month old nephew didn’t sleep at all. I don’t think I’m very good at multi tasking either. I want to get things done, but it’s as if I take the task of watching the boys extremely literally. Just because the baby is awake, doesn’t mean he can’t sit in his baby seat while I take care of other things, but I’m incapable of doing that. Then you have the moment when both boys are crying out for something, my mind gets all scrambled because my sister is also asking me to look for things to put in a bag so her husband can take them to her in the hospital. Too much for me to handle.

Yesterday was better because the baby slept all day, but again, I’m watching the children. At this point, I’m no longer stressed and my battery is starting to drain. Let’s say I’m at about 50%. I got more things done yesterday because my brother-in-law came home in the evening to cook, so I didn’t really have to watch the boys and I was able to get things done. Laundry, dishes, etc.

I had about 5 hours of sleep last night. Woke up at 5:45 when my brother-in-law left for the hospital. Today I’ve drained to about 20%. I know my battery is low because I keep feeling like I want to cry. I’ve had enough. People keep asking how I’m doing, and I tell them I’m doing fine because I don’t want to worry anyone. I wanted to work on my resume for the past few days and when I actually had the opportunity to do so, I couldn’t focus. Also, my period is late and I’m showing very few signs of it popping up any day now.

I’m tired of “watching” kids shows on TV and I’m tired of pretending I care when I know don’t. I know they’re just toddler and baby, and I know this may seem selfish, but I need some time to myself. Especially after coming out of a depressing day on Monday. Nothing in particular, I was just depressed. Even now, I could be working on my resume, but I’m not in the right state of mind. Usually music helps me to relax, but not tonight. That’s how I know it’s bad. And even if I were to go to sleep right now; sleeping doesn’t count as me time to refill my battery.

I will say this though, I appreciate my sister a lot more, and I’m going to make an effort to sleep in a little less often and help her out. I’m a night person, so I usually sleep late and wake up late. I do need to help her around more, but at the same time, I really need to get more resume’s out so I can get a job. I’m running low on personal funds (Not from spending, but that another story. Let’s just say I need to learn how to say no and other people need to figure out their life choices so they can stop living from pay cheque to pay cheque. Mercedes is a nice car, but if you’re going to buy two, don’t get them second-hand. They cost an arm and a leg to fix.)

I actually feel a little better. I think I’m at about 45% now. But if I was told I’d have to watch the kids this second, I shoot down to 15%. I might have the energy to work on these resumes, hopefully I’ll get at least one of them done.

Anonymous

P.s.
Please don’t misinterpret my words. I love my nephews with all my heart.

Where am I?

At the moment, I have no idea what my mental state is. I’m not happy, I’m not sad. I’m not angry or frustrated or anything. Maybe a little disappointed in how other people perceive my cousin, but otherwise, I don’t know. I ended up staying with my cousin and my mom for one week instead of two. Bro in law needed me back asap. To be honest, I was quite relieved. After the first two days with my cousin I was just about done. She wanted to do something everyday, and at the same time, thinking about it now, I’m glad we went out everyday, but some of those days I really couldn’t be bothered to go outside. Maybe I’m just tired from being a different me all week. Being someone that I’m not so someone else could be happy. But I had fun, so I really don’t know what it was.

Saturday night we went out to a club. The last time my cousin came out I took her to a lame party which was a horrible idea because I don’t socialize, but I was very happy I could take her out this time, and to be honest, it’s probably the most fun I’ve had in a club. I usually go with my sister and she’s not big on dancing, so we usually sit my bar and go on the dance floor for a little bit then back to the bar. This time, most of my time was spent on dance floor because that’s how my cousin is. She’s not as shy as my sister and I had a great time. It was a great ending to my week, and now I’m back. Exhausted and bored. I usually live on my laptop, but I don’t even bother coming online anymore.  Maybe I need to get back into my work, but it’s not easy to do with a 23 month old boy running to you every two seconds because he wants to “play” on the laptop too.

I work best with my headphones on and at night. The world is sleeping and my music is blasting in my ears and best of all, no distractions. Living here is a distraction in itself because I’m looking after a child. I’m helping my sister out until december and then I can do as I please. I’m trying to stay positive and see good things in my future that will happen for me sooner than later. I would LOVE to get my life on track as soon as possible. I know want I want, I see it all, but the only thing that really stopping me is work. Or lack thereof. I don’t have the social confidence to freelance and if I were to get a job working for other people, it just annoys me how much people get on my case for being a quiet person.

Okay, I have a question for anyone reading this. What are the best jobs for someone who has social anxiety? Best jobs for a person with Asperger Syndrome (which I’m still not sure whether I have or not)? I’ve done retail all my life and I want to get away from it. I’m not capable of making eye contact, and I want to work in a place where there are other people, but verbal communication is not necessary. I want a job with more consistent hours and noooooooo weekends. I’m done working on weekends.

Anonymous

Just lock me up in a room.

All I need is a computer with the internet and I’ll be fine. If I didn’t have to socialize for the rest of my life I’d be great. My mind is going to a dark place today because I over thinking about someone else’s actions towards me. I don’t feel welcomed and I have no time to myself to cry. I stay up late only to regret it the next morning because someone else would rather ignore their responsibility as a parent to sleep in. Causing me to do their job when it’s not my place. Don’t get me wrong, I love the kid, but I’m not his parent and I would love more time than his nap time to just be alone with my thoughts. Is that too much? And just when I get a minute, he wakes up, now I’m gone to put on a smile and act like nothing wrong.

Anonymous

Drepression

I have no idea if this is what I’m feeling(depression), but I don’t like it. Am I so scared to move on with my life that I push myself into some weird sadness or something? I missed a call yesterday for a job. This morning, I slept in and every time I woke up I dreaded the thought of having to  call her back and went back to sleep. I eventually got out of bed and called back, but where most people would be happy that they got a call back, I’m not. I’m not saying that I’m mad either, but I’m not over the moon or anything. Since that call, I’ve made a brief list of things I need to do before then. You would think I would get started on it today. I haven’t. I ate chips and eventually fell back asleep for an hour. I’m just not in a great mood right now and it’s upsetting because I feel like I should be. I’m not even sure if I’m writing this entry right now trying to stall or because I really just need to get it off my chest. It sucks when you feel like you can’t talk to anyone about anything, and it’s not about fear of being judged, it’s more like them tired of hearing me say the same thing and be bothered by the same stuff every few weeks/months….

I haven’t really got  much else to say. I don’t really feel better either…

Anonymous