Work Xmas Party

I can complain, but I have people to complain to now, so I’ll try not to do that here.

I will say, that I thought I was getting better. Correction, I am getting better. Or maybe I forgot how good I was at pretending. When I got home, I was in the fetal position, head in hands for a good hour before I was able to get up again. I literally need to reenergize when I get home after being out. Especially if I’ve been interacting with people. With work, it’s usually about 30 mins. Mind you, when I’m reenergizing, I do nothing constructive. I’ll usually play a mindless game on my phone (Any of the Candy Crush games, Sudoku or 2048), and I don’t change out of my work clothes. Tonight, it’s almost like I was knocked out. People really don’t understand what socializing does to an introvert. Or whatever I have. I sometimes feel like it’s deeper than that. I didn’t have my phone or anything, just me in a dark room, eye closed, reenergizing. Not really thinking about anything. Powered off.

Not complaining.

Sorry, I have to remind myself not to complain. I just wrote a full paragraph an had to delete it. Now I’m sad. And worried. I was optimistic when I started this new job. In a way, I still am, but this party really put a damper on things. And now I’m lonely. I can’t socialize, I hate parties. Tonight reassured me of that. So what does my future hold? If I can’t carry small talk, how am I supposed to meet anyone? I may cry tonight. I may not. I honestly don’t know. I do know, however, that I probably should have avoided the liquor tonight. Not at the party. There was not alcohol at the party. I’m referring to right now. As I sit here, alone.

ReNn

The title of this post has little to do with the content.

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I’m Not Looking For Sympathy, But….

I definitely not looking for sympathy. I don’t want people feeling sorry for me. What I am looking for is some kind of support. From anyone. Just someone to listen. Someone who won’t make smug comments when I start to feel a bit off. And is it so wrong to ask for that from the person I’m closest to?

My sister, I love her dearly, but she has never supported me. And I know she puts up with a lot from me, but don’t tell me that you love me more than I love you. You don’t know that. You don’t know how I’m feeling. When I say that I’m not sure whether I’m mentally or physically tiered (It’s definitely mentally now), respond as a caring person, or don’t respond at all. I think/talk out loud, so when I’m saying this, I’m not actually seeking a response.

I’m an introvert living in a house with 4 other people. Two of them are toddlers. Even if I had a lock on my door it wouldn’t be enough because I know I’m not actually alone. Being in a room isn’t enough for me, because I’m still acting quiet for other people in the house. It bothers me when she tries on my clothes without my permission and leave them lying on my bed vs putting them back where she took them from. It bothers me when my nephews barge into my room and touch everything. It bothers me even more when I come home from work and find my room in a completely different state to what I left it in. I don’t like people touching my things. My sister knows this. But she completely disregards my feelings. I hold all this in, and when I can’t anymore, I tell her, which results in her not caring which just adds to the things I hold back.

She really upset me today, and there’s nothing I can do about it (but suck it up, right?). Talking to her would lead to nothing because she doesn’t actually care. Because the things I care about, the things that bother me are so minute to her problems. According to her.

ReNn

Why I Comment Anonymously

I’m an introvert who fears rejection. Rejection makes me sad. Rejection makes me feel… rejected. To avoid that feeling, I tend to not write anyone anywhere. Saves me the bad feelings and embarrassment. That’s why I have no friends. But, sometimes, when I’m feeling lonely, I try to reach out to people. Instead of being anonymous, I’m onymous and I send comments to people I’ve never spoken to before. But every time I get this wave of courage, people don’t respond and I revert back to being anonymous. Sort of. I actually fear rejection so much that most of the time I talk myself out of sending comments on anonymous. I’ll type it all out, then say, “What’s the point?” and delete it.

That’s actually what I’m going through right now. Over the past few days, I went comment crazy. I follow these blog closely, and it bothers me that these people are interacting with other bloggers and posting new things, but have yet to reply me. I try to give them the benefit of the doubt, but that doesn’t last long and I still end up upset.

It’s a horrible way to live. I know this because I’m thirty and my only friend is my sister, who’s house I live in, along with her husband and children. Fear is holding me back so much in life and it’s defeating me. At least five times a week, I say “I’m so lonely”. But even if I had friends, I wouldn’t hang out with them all the time. I’m an introvert, but one can only be introverted for so long before they need interaction with other human beings. Co-workers don’t count.

ReNn

Recaps and Updates

So I quit my new job today. It was at a call centre doing sales. I wanted to challenge myself when I took this job on, but I quit before I even tried and I’m actually quite disappointed in myself. I think I just managed to psych myself out days before actually having to go on the phone, and as the day got closer, I just quit before I even tried. I’m sure I would have done well too. Training was a breeze for me. I retained a lot of the information and I’m sure, had I actually gotten on the phone, I would have been fine after the first week. It would have taken time to get used to, but I didn’t even try. The guy I was shadowing today (before I quit) was so good, and so fast, I just got really overwhelmed and lost any bit of confidence I thought I had to do the job. It also sucks, because I met some really nice people there that I will probably never see again. I NEED FRIENDS.

Now, no worries, because I have another job. So I’m not unemployed again (thankfully), but I am starting over. I’m sure I’ll be fine with that one because it’s something that I’ve done before. So I’m not worried. I just really wished I got the other job I had interviewed for last week. They didn’t call me back, but the title for that position would have looked so awesome on my resume. But it wasn’t meant to be. And that’s okay.

I will continue looking for work as of tomorrow. I really need to find something that I’ll truly be happy with. I was telling my sister earlier that I think I was meant to work for myself. The main problem with that, is that I have no friends and I suck at networking. Even if I were to work for myself. Last month, I got a volunteer position to work with this organization. I’m glad I didn’t give them any serious personal information, because after I got the position, I didn’t hear back from them. It’s been over a month. Knowing me and my possible dyslexia, I probably misread the email and didn’t get back to them when I was supposed to. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve read things and was convinced it said one thing, until I was about to reply and read it again for the 10th time, finally realizing what it actually says. I will recheck that email tomorrow. It’s late. Working 9-5, I don’t know how people do it. I’m so drained when I get home that I don’t feel like doing anything. Then by the time I’ve recharged, it’s time for bed and it’s time to do it all over again. I used to complain about inconstant work schedules, but now I love them.

What else have I been up to? Other than being sleep deprived, and struggling to keep up with tv shows, while not really paying attention because I’m on online, I’ve committed to trying to read a little more. Still no books, but some really good fan fiction written by fans. It’s honestly the best alternative for people who just can’t afford to buy a good at the moment. AUs and fantasies about your fav tv characters, impatiently waiting for the next chapter/update. It’s like watching tv but you’re reading it and painting pictures in your mind with the words. I love it. I think the reason why I’ve always hated reading and writing before, is because I was being forced to in school, and if I don’t have an interest for something, I’m not capable of putting my everything towards it, unless I really have to.

Not sure how I got here, but I’m out. I’ve been up for 13 hrs, my eyes are red and it’s time for bed. I’ll probably watch community first though.

ReNn

Slightly Discouraged

Ever since I’ve decided to make more of a conscious effort to change my ways and push myself to get a job, I feel less down. Which is a good thing. I’m actually happy with myself that I’m making an effort and it feels good to do something, but I’ve gone on two interviews and nothing. Now I know I should expect a job right away, but during these interviews, although I am giving good answers, I see/feel myself being awkward. I don’t know how to describe it, but I feel like people can tell I’m not like everyone else. Maybe I just look nervous to them, I don’t know. Because I’m not, I don’t go into these interviews nervous, I just feel judged whenever I talk to people. Like I only know how to fake being like everyone to a certain extent, but not completely. (Just now realizing I do not have social anxiety, maybe I really am just an introvert that struggles conversing with other people).

I really don’t think I’m meant to work with other people. I’m applying for jobs that I know I can do, but I’m also limited because I’m not perfectly bilingual. I know I shouldn’t isolate myself more, and to be honest, I’ve been isolating myself less in the past two weeks. Sure I’m still in the house, but just to sit quietly in a room with other people feels a little less awkward, and being around other people while I’m job hunting also pushes me to keep looking and to be less distracted when I’m alone. Sure I still get distracted, I’m only human, but I’m way more focused than when I’m alone in my room.

Like I said, I’m going to keep looking for work, but my next task, is to push myself more into doing some graphic design. Teach myself new techniques and even doing more of what I already know. Next step after that, make an attempt to network. Oh how I hate that, but I need to. I don’t think I ever have, but these little things will help me get more work in graphic design and help me to meet new people.

Staying positive!

ReNn

I love being alone

Until I don’t. I tend to alienate people because I’m most comfortable alone. But because of that, when I am ready to hang out with people, they are nowhere to be found. That could explain why I have no friends. My sister is my best and only friend. In a few weeks, I’m visiting my mom back home. There’s one person that I could meet up with, but he never wants to hang out with me for some reason. He’s very selective with me. One week he’s calling me constantly and the next week, it’s as if we’re strangers. So I’ll be spending most of my week at home. It’s actually kind of depressing. I take part in no activities and I don’t have a job, so I’m literally not interacting with anyone. Even at church, there are a couple of people I may speak to, but they’re all moms that I only speak to because of my sister. There’s no one there my age either.

The other day I went for a walk and hoped for some random to strike up a conversation with me. But the second someone makes eye contact with me, I immediately look away. Social interactions freak me out and I wish they didn’t. It’s hopeless, I’m hopeless. I hope I find the strength to change my ways a little bit. I just hate being out of my comfort zone. But being in it is getting me no where in life.

Anonymous

Maybe it’s an Aspie thing…

Or maybe I’m just an introvert? I don’t like last-minute changes in anything. If my mind is set on something, I usually like to mentally prepare myself in advance for it. So when I have time to myself, or expect time to myself, I tend to get excited. It’s the time I enjoy the most and I’ve had very little time to myself recently. Well tonight I was expecting some me time. I was thinking, I was going to be able to sleep in. My sisters father in law is spending the night, so he has my room. Not a problem, I haven’t been spending much time in there since my sister has been in the hospital. I’m not offended by that like I was when he was here this past Christmas, but this is what I thought. Since he has my room, I’d be in the basement while father of child slept in his room with the baby. Well, baby is sleeping in the playpen in the living room. You would think father of child would think “Okay, instead of picking baby up to bring him upstairs so he doesn’t wake up, I’ll sleep in the living room.” But no, that would be far to convenient for me. So instead of a deep sleep. Instead of me being able to sleep in, which is what I mentally prepared myself for, I am now somehow sleeping on the main floor with the baby when I could have my own space and sleep in the basement. Why does this suck? Well sure, no one else is awake, so technically, until everyone else wakes up it is my own space. But what bothers me is that anyone can come down at any time. That is much less likely in the basement because no one has any business there. This also means, that instead of possibly waking up at 9am and sleeping rather deeply, I must sleep extremely lightly and be woken up every time my nephew coos; and in approximately 2 hours from now, he will be awake ready for a bottle. I’ll be woken up sometime between 6am and 7:30am by my older nephew who will then want to watch Bubble Guppies while I’d rather sleep. Had I known I was going to be waking up before everyone else in the morning, I would have maybe taken a nap before I had to give up my room. Now, it is 1am. I am writing this entry and I am pissed off because I wasn’t prepared. Because I wasn’t mentally prepared. I cried a little. That’s how upset I am. This life, this isn’t me. I am not a mother. I imagined myself having at least one child in the future, but never my own. Adoption. And an older kid at that, not a baby. Someone that can speak for themselves, is potty trained and that would sleep through the night. Either way, I never signed up for this, nor have I ever wanted to. Call it selfish. A lot of people think I am. But considering the situation, I did what needed to be done. For my sister and my sister alone. On top of that, we have mice. Big problem. I am the only person who’s attempting to do anything about it also. I’ve made an effort putting all the foods the mice go after in containers. The sound of them nibbling through things erks me and I cannot sleep through it. I just told my brother-in-law that too, and his response was a smile and goodnight. He said he’d get traps tomorrow, but my main issue is that I won’t be able to sleep through it tonight. And it’s not like I can wear headphones to sleep because I have to listen out for my nephew. I hate this, and every time my sister asks, I tell her it’s not a problem and it’s not true. Well it’s partially true. I’d do almost anything for her, but sometimes I think I don’t like my brother-in-law. And it’s confusing, because my sisters ex boyfriends, I knew which ones I liked and which ones i didn’t like, but this one. As a person, I guess I’m okay with him, but he has certain habits about him that piss me off. And I feel like, now that my sister isn’t here, he’s just expecting me to pick up where she left off. But the way I see it, again, not trying to sound selfish, as long as he is home and he does not have to wake up super early for work, it’s not my problem. It shouldn’t be my problem unless I offer. I did not offer. Had my sister been here, she would have never expected me to watch the kids throughout the night. Or, she would at least ask me to stay downstairs for a few hours and switch places sometime in the morning so she could get some rest. But he’s not like that and I don’t like that. I want to sleep just as much as he does, and although he was working all week, watching his children without pay is work too. Again, call me selfish but I don’t care anymore. I’m very upset right now. Had I known I was watching the baby I wouldn’t be writing this entry. My laptop would be off in my room and I would trying to get some sleep. Instead I’m frustrated and writing this entry. I need the prepare myself. That’s just how I work. I hate last-minute changes and I don’t cop well with them. And if I don’t get sleep tonight, and he’s going back to work on Monday, that means I’m sleeping on this damn couch again tomorrow night. I want a bed, I want to sleep, I want some time to myself and I hate that this does sound selfish but this is how I feel. Now I get that I have not been diagnosed with aspergers. I do recognise that I do have some of the traits, and if I offend anyone by being a self diagnosed aspie, I’m sorry. Like I said in the beginning, is it an aspie thing, or an introvert thing? To be honest, I don’t know. Anonymous