Work Xmas Party

I can complain, but I have people to complain to now, so I’ll try not to do that here.

I will say, that I thought I was getting better. Correction, I am getting better. Or maybe I forgot how good I was at pretending. When I got home, I was in the fetal position, head in hands for a good hour before I was able to get up again. I literally need to reenergize when I get home after being out. Especially if I’ve been interacting with people. With work, it’s usually about 30 mins. Mind you, when I’m reenergizing, I do nothing constructive. I’ll usually play a mindless game on my phone (Any of the Candy Crush games, Sudoku or 2048), and I don’t change out of my work clothes. Tonight, it’s almost like I was knocked out. People really don’t understand what socializing does to an introvert. Or whatever I have. I sometimes feel like it’s deeper than that. I didn’t have my phone or anything, just me in a dark room, eye closed, reenergizing. Not really thinking about anything. Powered off.

Not complaining.

Sorry, I have to remind myself not to complain. I just wrote a full paragraph an had to delete it. Now I’m sad. And worried. I was optimistic when I started this new job. In a way, I still am, but this party really put a damper on things. And now I’m lonely. I can’t socialize, I hate parties. Tonight reassured me of that. So what does my future hold? If I can’t carry small talk, how am I supposed to meet anyone? I may cry tonight. I may not. I honestly don’t know. I do know, however, that I probably should have avoided the liquor tonight. Not at the party. There was not alcohol at the party. I’m referring to right now. As I sit here, alone.

ReNn

The title of this post has little to do with the content.

Why I Comment Anonymously

I’m an introvert who fears rejection. Rejection makes me sad. Rejection makes me feel… rejected. To avoid that feeling, I tend to not write anyone anywhere. Saves me the bad feelings and embarrassment. That’s why I have no friends. But, sometimes, when I’m feeling lonely, I try to reach out to people. Instead of being anonymous, I’m onymous and I send comments to people I’ve never spoken to before. But every time I get this wave of courage, people don’t respond and I revert back to being anonymous. Sort of. I actually fear rejection so much that most of the time I talk myself out of sending comments on anonymous. I’ll type it all out, then say, “What’s the point?” and delete it.

That’s actually what I’m going through right now. Over the past few days, I went comment crazy. I follow these blog closely, and it bothers me that these people are interacting with other bloggers and posting new things, but have yet to reply me. I try to give them the benefit of the doubt, but that doesn’t last long and I still end up upset.

It’s a horrible way to live. I know this because I’m thirty and my only friend is my sister, who’s house I live in, along with her husband and children. Fear is holding me back so much in life and it’s defeating me. At least five times a week, I say “I’m so lonely”. But even if I had friends, I wouldn’t hang out with them all the time. I’m an introvert, but one can only be introverted for so long before they need interaction with other human beings. Co-workers don’t count.

ReNn

I love being alone

Until I don’t. I tend to alienate people because I’m most comfortable alone. But because of that, when I am ready to hang out with people, they are nowhere to be found. That could explain why I have no friends. My sister is my best and only friend. In a few weeks, I’m visiting my mom back home. There’s one person that I could meet up with, but he never wants to hang out with me for some reason. He’s very selective with me. One week he’s calling me constantly and the next week, it’s as if we’re strangers. So I’ll be spending most of my week at home. It’s actually kind of depressing. I take part in no activities and I don’t have a job, so I’m literally not interacting with anyone. Even at church, there are a couple of people I may speak to, but they’re all moms that I only speak to because of my sister. There’s no one there my age either.

The other day I went for a walk and hoped for some random to strike up a conversation with me. But the second someone makes eye contact with me, I immediately look away. Social interactions freak me out and I wish they didn’t. It’s hopeless, I’m hopeless. I hope I find the strength to change my ways a little bit. I just hate being out of my comfort zone. But being in it is getting me no where in life.

Anonymous

Irony

It’s ironic how whenever you check the last post of a blog that hasn’t posted for months/years, their final post is usually something along the lines of,

“I know I haven’t posted anything in a while, but I promise I’ll start posting more often”.

The same rule goes for Twitter and some Youtube users. I wonder why that is? I’m pretty sure I made the same promise a while back. But I sort of have an excuse. I haven’t been doing anything. I didn’t think it was possible, but my life is more pathetic than it was before. I want to look for a job, but on the other hand, I’m supposed to find something in which I’ll be able to work from home or on weekends. Where I live now, people have ambition, so the only people doing retail are teenagers. I’m too old to be working with teenagers. And the chances of me making friends working with teenagers are quite slim. It’s just weird, everyday it the same thing, and all I can do is look at other peoples mistakes and keep telling myself, “When you’re on your own, this is how you’ll do this, this, and this”.

But the problem is, I really don’t have ambition, or drive. I’m not 100% sure what I want but I do know that my current situation isn’t cool. I love my nephew, but when I quite my job, for some reason it never really crossed my mind that I’d literally be watching him all day. Plus my brother in law is also home all day so it’s just awkward most of the time. Neither of us are sociable people and I feel more at home when I’m by myself.

What I need to start doing is actually set up my account on Elance and stop talking about it. I keep telling people I’m looking into it, but truth is, I just can’t commit. I’m scared of being rejected so I just don’t bother.

I moved to fix my problems and all I did was bring my problems with me. I’m still lonely, but the main difference is that it’s now in a house full of people.

Anonymous

Drepression

I have no idea if this is what I’m feeling(depression), but I don’t like it. Am I so scared to move on with my life that I push myself into some weird sadness or something? I missed a call yesterday for a job. This morning, I slept in and every time I woke up I dreaded the thought of having to  call her back and went back to sleep. I eventually got out of bed and called back, but where most people would be happy that they got a call back, I’m not. I’m not saying that I’m mad either, but I’m not over the moon or anything. Since that call, I’ve made a brief list of things I need to do before then. You would think I would get started on it today. I haven’t. I ate chips and eventually fell back asleep for an hour. I’m just not in a great mood right now and it’s upsetting because I feel like I should be. I’m not even sure if I’m writing this entry right now trying to stall or because I really just need to get it off my chest. It sucks when you feel like you can’t talk to anyone about anything, and it’s not about fear of being judged, it’s more like them tired of hearing me say the same thing and be bothered by the same stuff every few weeks/months….

I haven’t really got  much else to say. I don’t really feel better either…

Anonymous

Forever Alone

Same song different entry. It’s a Saturday night, and I spent the night trying on clothes, playing in makeup, taking photos and watching TV. Mom just got back from a birthday party not too long ago and I spent the night home alone. What else is new? Well, I was actually invited to a birthday party myself. I would have liked to go, but there’s no way I’m going to stroll around downtown by myself to attend a party for an acquaintance. I have no friends. Not true, I have my sister and my crush. Problem, my sister doesn’t live in the area and my crush… *sigh* You know we’ve been friends for about 3 years, and we’re pretty close,  but I don’t think we’ve ever actually gone out anywhere together. Except for that one night I borrowed my moms car and we drove around the city, but other than that. Like he’s embarrassed to be seen with me. Hmmm, I take back thinking he likes me. I’m pretty sure if he did, he’d want to show me off. Unless I’m like his guilty pleasure he hides from the world. Actually, yes. He has literally hid me before so people he knew didn’t know I was around while he was talking them.

Be that as it may, my love life, non existant. I’ve had one boyfriend in my life. Our relationship lasted 3 months. Our friendship before that, about 5 years, could be more. What did I learn? Don’t date a guy with no goals. Only problem with that though, I find anyone with goals intimidating. Sounds crazy I know, but I haven’t got much to be proud of myself. My life is sad. I need to change it, I’m the only one that can change it, yet I don’t and end up complaining about the same things over and over again. Every Sunday my grandmother asks me why I haven’t found suitable suitor yet. “What am I waiting for?” She asks. She’s telling me to get out there and talk to people, but I don’t know how. I keep telling her that I’m okay, but I’m not, and I think she knows because she’s alone herself. She doesn’t like telling her brothers what’s going on with my life because nothing is going on. When they talk about my job, instead of saying “Oh that’s nice.” They tell her “Well it’s better than nothing.” I hate this life and I feel like I’m stuck in it. No one gets it. No one gets me, and when I try to explain to them, they laugh it off or look at me like I’m crazy or something. Or using it as an excuse and I swear I’m not trying to. I’m scared. Scared of change, scared of everything.

My sister spoke to a coworker about me the other day. He thinks I could be Asexual. I don’t think so. I’m not stupid. Although I should get properly diagnosed, I’m 99% sure I’m Dyslexic and have Aspergers. I guess what I’m trying to say is that it would make more sense if I were properly diagnosed, but I’ve read the symptoms, I’m not Asexual. But for the fact that my own sister is now starting to question if I’ll ever find someone, and she’s talking to other people about it. In some weird way it hurts.  Oddly enough my mom seems to be the most positive one out of this whole being single thing. Even though she likes to compare myself to her a lot, she’s the only one saying positive things. Unfortunately it also leads to false hope. Like what the future holds for my crush and I. She thinks we’ll end up together, I obviously hope so, but I’m definitely not holding my breath. With as many people as he speaks to though (mostly girls), I’m surprised he’s been single the entire time we’ve been friends. He does talk about other girls but… I don’t know what he’s looking for.

So here I am, a girl in her late 20s with no social skills, VERY few friends, picky taste, and her entire family pitying her for her life choices that aren’t really choices. My answer. God has a plan for me. I tell myself that all the time, but I need to believe it. Let’s say I will be alone for the rest of my life, if that is my destiny, I should embrace it. I mean, I would LOVE to have at least one child to call my own. I’ve even told myself that if things never really work out for me relationship wise I would adopt, but before I even consider that, I really need to get my life in order, move from under my moms roof and just be on my own. It won’t be easy. It might actually be more lonely, but it’s got to be done. God will be with me. I just need to strengthen my faith so that I believe it myself. Funny how quick a mood can change. 5 minutes ago I was pouring my eyes out, now I’m siting here typing with this grin on my face like everything has just sorted itself out.

I’m an emotional wreck.
“Whoa is me”
Anonymous

Now what?

I used to be a full time worker. Since I finished school about 9 months ago, I was supposed to be looking for a new job. I hate interviews. I’ve actually managed to slack off for 9 months. I also have this weird habit (not a good one) of not completing things. I’ve finished my portfolio. It’s the most awkward feeling ever, because that means I actually have to look for work. Problem? Yeah. I don’t know where to start. One of my skills is keeping a job. Lack of a skill, getting a job. I’ve worked 5 jobs in my whole life. Only two of them I got on my own, and one of them (sad to say) was because I was pretty. I faked that interview so bad. I hope I can do it again.

Now here’s where my problem lies. I’ve done college, I’ve done an intensive course in University. 10 classes, 3 months, got all A’s and my diploma. So I am capable. So why do I keep thinking I’m not good enough? It’s sort of frustrating, and I’ve been in a sour/sad mood since I finished my portfolio today. Sent my resume out to one place that isn’t looking for people and isn’t guaranteed to contact me. Maybe if I write down actual goals for myself things will happen, because nothing will happen if I do nothing. Which is what I’ve been doing…. for 9 months. 

“Lord, I pray that you give me the strength and courage to get through this. I need to do better for myself, and with my boss knocking off some of my hours it’s only getting worse. With you Lord anything is possible, and I pray that my faith strengthens to believe this. I must let go of all fear and put all my trust in you. You will never put something on me that I can’t handle.

Amen”

I’m so lonely. This has nothing to do with anything. But it’s amazing how a persons mood can change without having contact from certain people in one day. I haven’t been to work in 3 days, and I’ve got another day home. I’m going to bed soon so I can actually get an earlier start on my day tomorrow. Take in some sun and prepare myself for 2 whole days of work….

Anonymous