Work Xmas Party

I can complain, but I have people to complain to now, so I’ll try not to do that here.

I will say, that I thought I was getting better. Correction, I am getting better. Or maybe I forgot how good I was at pretending. When I got home, I was in the fetal position, head in hands for a good hour before I was able to get up again. I literally need to reenergize when I get home after being out. Especially if I’ve been interacting with people. With work, it’s usually about 30 mins. Mind you, when I’m reenergizing, I do nothing constructive. I’ll usually play a mindless game on my phone (Any of the Candy Crush games, Sudoku or 2048), and I don’t change out of my work clothes. Tonight, it’s almost like I was knocked out. People really don’t understand what socializing does to an introvert. Or whatever I have. I sometimes feel like it’s deeper than that. I didn’t have my phone or anything, just me in a dark room, eye closed, reenergizing. Not really thinking about anything. Powered off.

Not complaining.

Sorry, I have to remind myself not to complain. I just wrote a full paragraph an had to delete it. Now I’m sad. And worried. I was optimistic when I started this new job. In a way, I still am, but this party really put a damper on things. And now I’m lonely. I can’t socialize, I hate parties. Tonight reassured me of that. So what does my future hold? If I can’t carry small talk, how am I supposed to meet anyone? I may cry tonight. I may not. I honestly don’t know. I do know, however, that I probably should have avoided the liquor tonight. Not at the party. There was not alcohol at the party. I’m referring to right now. As I sit here, alone.


The title of this post has little to do with the content.


I’m so screwed.

I’m so messed up. I don’t even know if I’ll be able to get my words out correctly tonight. I have trouble concentrating, and I’ve been avoiding my issues long enough.

I’ve been out of work for almost a full year now. Yes I should have been looking for work, but I also felt obliged to help my sister out within this year before she goes on maternity leave. Well, my time is coming to an end. I’ve put my life on hold and it’s time for me to start looking for work. Although to everyone else I have been looking for work because I’ve been indirectly telling them that I have.
“How’s the job search going?”, “It’s still going” I would reply.

By going, it’s more like apply to a job once a month. My nephew is about to pop out in a few months and I need to start looking, but I’m scared. Of what? I’m not even entirely sure. I’m scared I won’t get anything in my field and if that’s the case, I really don’t want to do anything else. Before I moved in with my sister, I lived in a city with a lot a dead beat people. It was okay if I worked a crappy job because people my age do that, but here. It’s all young people and I don’t want to be working with a bunch of high school kids.

Easy way out for most people would be a secretarial job. I had a class like that in college and I nearly failed it. I can’t multitask  well and I hate the phone. Is it possible to concentrate to hard on what someone is saying that you don’t hear a word of it? I want a job where I don’t have to associate with other people. Basically my field is perfect for me. I’m an aspiring graphic designer, but I’ve lost my drive for it and I can honestly say I’ve done nothing all year. I’m ashamed, I’m not proud. I have no fun activities that I do. I just exist and I find myself pretty useless in this world and it makes me sad. I’m not depressed about it though. I mean, I have my days, but I would say my mood is pretty neutral.

My sister brought it to my attention that her husband said a while ago that I should be looking for work because I am basically no longer needed. That should motivate me to work a little harder on finding a job but it hasn’t really. It mostly just scared me. My back up plan is to go back and live with my mom, but living there I have nothing. I’m oddly worse off if I do that.

I’m so lost in my life right now. I just don’t know. I’m confused, scared, unmotivated. Every negative emotion you could think of. I’m in limbo and I just don’t know. I haven’t cried about it in a while and I almost feel like I’m about to but I don’t feel like I have a right to. I know the only way I can change my way of life is by changing it myself, but I have no motivation and I’ve been like this for as long as I can remember.

I want to pray about this. I want to read my bible and find the right passage to motivate myself into action, but I’m so ashamed in myself I don’t feel like I have the right to. It sounds stupid but that’s how I feel. I keep finding every excuse not to read my bible when I have a hard copy, a copy on my phone and a copy on my iPod touch. I’ve got God’s word all around me, but I’m too ashamed in myself to take the initiative to do anything for myself. The level of shame I have in myself is unmeasurable and that shame is keeping me from doing anything for myself. My inner demons are winning over me and I’m just stuck. I hate this. I’m crying and I don’t know what else to say.

I’m not happy, this is another woe is me post. I need help. I need a friend. I need motivation. I need something. I need to love myself. But I can’t because I’m ashamed. People tell me things I need to hear, and I hear them, and I agree with them, but the feeling that I’m feeling inside is keeping me from doing anything about it and i hate it. What’s worse is that I’m keeping all of this to myself. I tell my sister but as usual she doesn’t hear me because to her I’m like a broken record. Complaining about the same things over and over and not doing anything about it. She loves me, and if I were her I’d be tired of me too. It’s like I’m looking for someone to tell me what to do. I was never given a manual to this life and I really don’t know what to do with it. I can’t spend the rest of my life being supported by others.

Feeling sorry for myself

I’m pretty sure that’s what my problem is. I know nothing can or will change unless I do something other than complain. The thing is though, I don’t know what it is exactly I want. I’m tired of sitting in the house all day doing nothing, as I’ve been doing for the past 4 months. I love my nephew but I guess it would be nice to talk to someone who can communicate back with me. Only problem with that is that it takes me ages to be comfortable enough to talk to someone comfortably. I know I need to get my life in order, but I’ve been saying for the longest while, I don’t even know what it is that makes me happy. I want money but I don’t care to work and I think gambling is wrong. I need an income. I’ve had the Elance opened in one of my browser tabs for what seems like forever and I’ve yet to commit to being on that site for one consecutive week. I look at job postings daily, don’t apply then say they’re not offering what I want. I’ve issues galore and I want someone to tell me what to do, but when they do, if it’s not what I want to hear, I don’t take it into consideration. If I keep on like this, son enough I’ll be a 30 year old bum because my family will be tired of putting up with me. I’m annoying, I know I’m annoying. I’m the only one who can change my fate (and God) and if I don’t put any effort into what happens to me, nothing with continue to happen.

Another day, sad by my life decisions.




I have no idea if this is what I’m feeling(depression), but I don’t like it. Am I so scared to move on with my life that I push myself into some weird sadness or something? I missed a call yesterday for a job. This morning, I slept in and every time I woke up I dreaded the thought of having to  call her back and went back to sleep. I eventually got out of bed and called back, but where most people would be happy that they got a call back, I’m not. I’m not saying that I’m mad either, but I’m not over the moon or anything. Since that call, I’ve made a brief list of things I need to do before then. You would think I would get started on it today. I haven’t. I ate chips and eventually fell back asleep for an hour. I’m just not in a great mood right now and it’s upsetting because I feel like I should be. I’m not even sure if I’m writing this entry right now trying to stall or because I really just need to get it off my chest. It sucks when you feel like you can’t talk to anyone about anything, and it’s not about fear of being judged, it’s more like them tired of hearing me say the same thing and be bothered by the same stuff every few weeks/months….

I haven’t really got  much else to say. I don’t really feel better either…



You ever get that feeling when you want to cry, but there’s another emotion involved with however you’re feeling and that tear just won’t come out?

I don’t know what love is, I don’t know if I want to know. I take things too literal and I’m emotionally messed up enough as it is. Talking to him at times sends me bouncing off walls. We were just one the phone. Well, I just hung up. I don’t understand the point of calling people to not say anything. I don’t like it. I already don’t like talking on the phone, but I’m actually comfortable enough to talk to you and you waste my time by not saying anything at all. I tell you I want to get off the phone and  suddenly think I hate you. You’re like a 12 year old girl. I do hope you don’t talk like this with anyone else because it’s not normal. You insult me endlessly. You actually just called me a child. I got mad. But I wasn’t about to hang up on you. I wouldn’t dare want to show a bully that he’s won. That he’s pushed my buttons. So we say nothing. For 30 minutes. After getting annoyed by hearing you text various people when you can easily just hang up the phone and call them instead of hearing me breath, I start pressing random buttons to get some sort of reaction from you. I get nothing. So I hang up the phone. A part of me wishes you’d call back, while another part knows you’re not going to call back. Or knowing you, you probably didn’t even notice I hung up.

You tell me you like me then instantly take it back. I’m still positive you do, I’m also positive you’re still a teenage boy in that head of yours. Grow up. And don’t even think I’m going to call you back because I’m not. I just wish it wasn’t so hard for me to meet and talk to new people. I’d move on with my life and stop pinning over a boy.


Change me

I hate small group conversations. I never have anything to add. I have no life experience, and if I did have something to add, I always feel awkward talking out loud.

I went out with some family to one of their friends house. I sat there and sometimes I feel like I’m 16 or something when I’m way older than that. I also feel like they think that I’m young just because I don’t talk much. I’m like a robot. I am only capable of giving straight answers. I cannot elaborate on topics. I don’t know how. I think I have a mild form of social phobia. I wonder if that has anything to do with the possibility that I may have aspergers. I should really get tested because I would really love to know. Or maybe if there’s some sort of therapy to change the way I am because I don’t enjoy it. I wish I were like everyone else but I’m not and it’s frustrating. I want to socialize with people. I want to go to house parties and enjoy myself. Usually alcohol is the only thing that helps in situations like that because I stop thinking, but when it’s a small group of people, my brain is working on overtime to fight the alcohol or something. I feel like if I eventually find out that I really do have aspergers, I could tell the world “Please excuse my anti socialness. It’s not my fault. I actually have a condition and my brain doesn’t work like most peoples brains do.” But I don’t want to use it as an excuse. I don’t know what I want. I think to much, and I want a boyfriend.

Random, yes I know. I’m just thinking about the same question most people ask me. I hate getting on this topic because I don’t want to talk my personal business. I have no personal business so I’d rather stay away from it. Everyone expects me to find a boyfriend because “Im pretty”. I’m also a special case, but nobody knows that. I lack social skills so I’m not just going to go up to any random guy and start talking to them. Can’t meet a good guy in the club, so forget that, and the only guys that even notice me are much older than me. I’m not interested in them. The only person I’m interested in might be interested in me, but we’re both too shy to say anything, or he doesn’t like me like that. Lately though, I’ve actually just been thinking to pretend to be drunk, or actually get drunk, and tell him how I feel. But I never get drunk enough to forget what I’m doing. I know I’d regret it the next morning so I won’t do it. I’d actually have to get someone to type it out for me. Like they stole my phone and pretended to be me and write him. I don’t have any friends, so that out of the question. My sister used to say “Just get married already”, and my mom wants to know why we haven’t gotten together yet. I just think it’s because he doesn’t like me that way and I’m not about to make a bigger fool of myself. I’m pretty sure every day the thought of love comes across my mind, but I don’t know what it is. He’s the only guy in my life so I don’t even know.

My hearts racing, I’m starting to get nervous. I’m telling myself not to write him tonight because I’ve written him every night with nothing to say. I’m not writing him tomorrow night either. I just need him off my mind right now because the thought… I think I might be having a panic attack soon, I want to cry. I don’t even know what I’m feeling. But I honestly truly REFUSE to believe that it’s love. I just want to someone, I want a new job, I want my own apartment, I want to decorate it myself and paint every wall a different colour. I need to get out!


“let not the sun go down upon your wrath”

We’re going to bed angry. It’s amazing how quickly a persons mood can change. I have this problem, when texting, I don’t read the messages I receive thoroughly before responding to them. Because of this, my replies tend not to have any relation to what the person was talking about. I try to remember to do it, but sometimes, I could even read things 10 times over I’ll still be reading the wrong thing.

Don’t piss off a person in a bad mood. They’ll just hate you more than they should in the end. That’s what I just did. Now I’m a little sad. If I really do have Asperger’s and/or Dyslexia….

I had to stop typing because I lost my train of thought. I apologized, then he apologized and now we’re cool. I’m not sad anymore.  Basically what happened was that I didn’t read what he wrote correctly, he got annoyed because I didn’t get it and he had to explain. This happens often, so it’s already a little bit annoying, plus, he was already having a bad day. I apologized, he read my message but didn’t reply. I got sad, started writing this entry, then he apologized, and I guess we’re not going to bed angry. He knows I feel bad and he’s actually trying to make me feel better. Are we ever going to happen, or is this how good friends act? I wouldn’t know because I don’t have any friends, except for my sister. I have no idea what’s going on here. What I do know, I’m going to bed happy.