Work Xmas Party

I can complain, but I have people to complain to now, so I’ll try not to do that here.

I will say, that I thought I was getting better. Correction, I am getting better. Or maybe I forgot how good I was at pretending. When I got home, I was in the fetal position, head in hands for a good hour before I was able to get up again. I literally need to reenergize when I get home after being out. Especially if I’ve been interacting with people. With work, it’s usually about 30 mins. Mind you, when I’m reenergizing, I do nothing constructive. I’ll usually play a mindless game on my phone (Any of the Candy Crush games, Sudoku or 2048), and I don’t change out of my work clothes. Tonight, it’s almost like I was knocked out. People really don’t understand what socializing does to an introvert. Or whatever I have. I sometimes feel like it’s deeper than that. I didn’t have my phone or anything, just me in a dark room, eye closed, reenergizing. Not really thinking about anything. Powered off.

Not complaining.

Sorry, I have to remind myself not to complain. I just wrote a full paragraph an had to delete it. Now I’m sad. And worried. I was optimistic when I started this new job. In a way, I still am, but this party really put a damper on things. And now I’m lonely. I can’t socialize, I hate parties. Tonight reassured me of that. So what does my future hold? If I can’t carry small talk, how am I supposed to meet anyone? I may cry tonight. I may not. I honestly don’t know. I do know, however, that I probably should have avoided the liquor tonight. Not at the party. There was not alcohol at the party. I’m referring to right now. As I sit here, alone.


The title of this post has little to do with the content.


I love being alone

Until I don’t. I tend to alienate people because I’m most comfortable alone. But because of that, when I am ready to hang out with people, they are nowhere to be found. That could explain why I have no friends. My sister is my best and only friend. In a few weeks, I’m visiting my mom back home. There’s one person that I could meet up with, but he never wants to hang out with me for some reason. He’s very selective with me. One week he’s calling me constantly and the next week, it’s as if we’re strangers. So I’ll be spending most of my week at home. It’s actually kind of depressing. I take part in no activities and I don’t have a job, so I’m literally not interacting with anyone. Even at church, there are a couple of people I may speak to, but they’re all moms that I only speak to because of my sister. There’s no one there my age either.

The other day I went for a walk and hoped for some random to strike up a conversation with me. But the second someone makes eye contact with me, I immediately look away. Social interactions freak me out and I wish they didn’t. It’s hopeless, I’m hopeless. I hope I find the strength to change my ways a little bit. I just hate being out of my comfort zone. But being in it is getting me no where in life.


I think I’ve finally noticed myself “turn on”

I’m just going to get straight to the point. Saturday night we had some people over to watch the Boxing match. Mayweather vs. Canelo. I’m not a huge boxing fan and before we had even ordered it (pay per view) I had mentioned to my sister, “I’ll just hang out upstairs because I really don’t care to see it.” Especially if people are coming over. I like to steer clear from people, especially people I’ve never met before. After having a brief discussion with my sister, she mentioned how it would have been a little rude for me to just isolate myself and stay upstairs, so i decided to stay. Turned out to be 3 people that came over and one of them I already knew. I said “Hello” to everyone and changed the channel on the TV (the fight hadn’t started yet). I was watching Friends With Benefits, but considering they were now a bunch of men in the house, I did the nice thing and changed the channel to watch Unknown, which we never ended up finishing.

Finally getting to the point, while watching the movie one of the guys proceeded to converse with me. This was following two separate times I ran upstairs within the span of 5 minutes just to be by myself, or to gain composure. Whenever I feel uncomfortable in a group of people, I either shut down, or go away. This wasn’t the time to shut down. So one of the guys began to converse with me, and as usual I answered questions without posing any questions. It’s not that I have no interest, it’s just that it doesn’t cross my mind, at all. I’m not selfish and I’m not inconsiderate, a lot of people sometimes think otherwise, and thinking about it now, the last date I went on (years ago) the guy probably thought I wasn’t interested when he decided not to contact me ever again. Even if I did remember to ask questions, I wouldn’t know what to ask.

Well, me and this guy exchanged a few words, the other guy didn’t say one word and as odd as that was for me, I won’t judge him for it. Not my place, plus, had the other guy not spoken to me, I wouldn’t have been speaking either. I didn’t get either of their names either. I’m horrible with names, I didn’t ask even thought I’m sure he probably told me. If I’m not fully paying attention (most of the time) I didn’t hear what you said. This is going to be and odd entry for me because I’m not sure how to end it, but all I wanted to say was that as a person with obvious social issues, I’ve finally noticed when I switch and become that other person. Which is rare, very rare. Actually has me thinking now that it had to do with the guy as a person and less to do with the control I have over my social skills. I don’t even get that comfortable with my brother-in-law.

(No proofreading done, so I apologize for the grammatical errors)

If I told you what I have, do you promise not to laugh?

I have a problem. I don’t like to get personal. I’m not very proud of my life, of my lack of accomplishments and I fear success. I’m not ready to grow up. The sad thing about this, I’m 27 years old. I have dreams and aspirations, but I’m not ready to actually reach them. It’s like I’d rather dream them on a regular basis than live them out. I’m not like most people. That’s something I’ve noticed for a very long time. Since I was in high school. I didn’t know it was something I could put my finger  on back them, so I just started calling myself special. Not in the way that people make fun of. But unique. I knew I wasn’t like everyone else and I didn’t know why. I remember the first guy to ever ask me out, when he did, my reply was “Where”? The funny thing is that he was my crush, I guess I never thought someone I liked could like me back.

My love life mostly exists in my dreams. Except for that one boyfriend I had. I’m a very literal person, so even though to him it was official, it wasn’t to me….

Okay, I don’t want to go on telling my life story. Basically what I wanted to get down to was the fact that I’ve self diagnosed myself with Aspergers syndrome. I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned this before. The problem is though, I have no idea if this is what’s holding me back in life. I’ve had one serious boyfriend who was my friend for years before we got together. We broke up 3 months after getting together. I’ve liked plenty of guys, and I also have the problem of becoming slightly obsessed with any guy that pays any sort of attention to me. I over think everything. I’m slightly depressed and lack the drive to accomplish anything in my life. Yet I hate my life. I have no friends and I’m scared to talk to people. I’ve always had a dream of working from home, married with children. I’m 27, I can’t cook, can’t do much for myself and I live with my mom. I want to move out on my own but I’m also scared I’ll become more depressed on my own than I already am. I could move in with a roommate, but I fear socializing. The place I’m working at is well below what I’m qualified to do. I have been “looking for another job” or so I’ve been telling people. I’ve gone on one interview and I have a second one with the same company on Monday. I pray that it goes well but at the same time I’m scared to have to start a new job. I hate disappointing people which is why I’ve been able to keep all my jobs, I can become quite obedient.

I want to see a psychiatrist or a psychologist but Im scared to. I don’t express myself properly verbally. I get tongue tied and embarrassed and I fear judgment. I already think that everyone thinks I’m a bitch. Which most people do because I don’t talk to anyone and when I’m serious I look pissed. My life is horrible, I don’t like it, but I’m scared to change it.

They say insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting change. But as often as I keep my same routine, and as much as I want things to change, I don’t expect them to change because I don’t know how I would handle it. I’m in very serious like with a male friend of mine, and as much as I would love for us to start something would I be able to handle it or would I run from it out of fear?

I’m trapped in loop created by a syndrome I might or might not have. Am I using it as an excuse? I don’t think so. Mainly because I only heard about Aspergers syndrome this year and I’ve been doing the same thing for as long as I can remember. My sister says that now that I know what the problem is, just work against it to be “normal”. What she doesn’t understand is that it’s easier said that done. My brain is wired differently. I don’t understand why I should change the way I am to please other people. That’s why I just don’t do. I’d rather do nothing at all than try an conform to the norm. And when I do try to copy everyone else, I get really self conscious and second guess everything. I feel like I’m still not doing anything right and I remain paranoid for the rest of the day.

I WANT TO WRITE A POSITIVE POST! But honestly, if I told myself to only post positive stuff I’d never post. The thing is, it’s not like I need to talk to any random person to get something off my chest, I want to talk to a professional because I don’t like this. But I fear that even if I spoke to a professional I still wouldn’t do what they said. Or maybe I just need someone to understand? I don’t know. If anyone suggest aspergers forums, I’ve tried. I can’t stick with them. I don’t know why. I don’t know a lot of things. I should feel comfortable on them but I don’t. Like I said, I don’t even know if I really have aspergers or not.

I want to scream.


Change me

I hate small group conversations. I never have anything to add. I have no life experience, and if I did have something to add, I always feel awkward talking out loud.

I went out with some family to one of their friends house. I sat there and sometimes I feel like I’m 16 or something when I’m way older than that. I also feel like they think that I’m young just because I don’t talk much. I’m like a robot. I am only capable of giving straight answers. I cannot elaborate on topics. I don’t know how. I think I have a mild form of social phobia. I wonder if that has anything to do with the possibility that I may have aspergers. I should really get tested because I would really love to know. Or maybe if there’s some sort of therapy to change the way I am because I don’t enjoy it. I wish I were like everyone else but I’m not and it’s frustrating. I want to socialize with people. I want to go to house parties and enjoy myself. Usually alcohol is the only thing that helps in situations like that because I stop thinking, but when it’s a small group of people, my brain is working on overtime to fight the alcohol or something. I feel like if I eventually find out that I really do have aspergers, I could tell the world “Please excuse my anti socialness. It’s not my fault. I actually have a condition and my brain doesn’t work like most peoples brains do.” But I don’t want to use it as an excuse. I don’t know what I want. I think to much, and I want a boyfriend.

Random, yes I know. I’m just thinking about the same question most people ask me. I hate getting on this topic because I don’t want to talk my personal business. I have no personal business so I’d rather stay away from it. Everyone expects me to find a boyfriend because “Im pretty”. I’m also a special case, but nobody knows that. I lack social skills so I’m not just going to go up to any random guy and start talking to them. Can’t meet a good guy in the club, so forget that, and the only guys that even notice me are much older than me. I’m not interested in them. The only person I’m interested in might be interested in me, but we’re both too shy to say anything, or he doesn’t like me like that. Lately though, I’ve actually just been thinking to pretend to be drunk, or actually get drunk, and tell him how I feel. But I never get drunk enough to forget what I’m doing. I know I’d regret it the next morning so I won’t do it. I’d actually have to get someone to type it out for me. Like they stole my phone and pretended to be me and write him. I don’t have any friends, so that out of the question. My sister used to say “Just get married already”, and my mom wants to know why we haven’t gotten together yet. I just think it’s because he doesn’t like me that way and I’m not about to make a bigger fool of myself. I’m pretty sure every day the thought of love comes across my mind, but I don’t know what it is. He’s the only guy in my life so I don’t even know.

My hearts racing, I’m starting to get nervous. I’m telling myself not to write him tonight because I’ve written him every night with nothing to say. I’m not writing him tomorrow night either. I just need him off my mind right now because the thought… I think I might be having a panic attack soon, I want to cry. I don’t even know what I’m feeling. But I honestly truly REFUSE to believe that it’s love. I just want to someone, I want a new job, I want my own apartment, I want to decorate it myself and paint every wall a different colour. I need to get out!