I’m so screwed.

I’m so messed up. I don’t even know if I’ll be able to get my words out correctly tonight. I have trouble concentrating, and I’ve been avoiding my issues long enough.

I’ve been out of work for almost a full year now. Yes I should have been looking for work, but I also felt obliged to help my sister out within this year before she goes on maternity leave. Well, my time is coming to an end. I’ve put my life on hold and it’s time for me to start looking for work. Although to everyone else I have been looking for work because I’ve been indirectly telling them that I have.
“How’s the job search going?”, “It’s still going” I would reply.

By going, it’s more like apply to a job once a month. My nephew is about to pop out in a few months and I need to start looking, but I’m scared. Of what? I’m not even entirely sure. I’m scared I won’t get anything in my field and if that’s the case, I really don’t want to do anything else. Before I moved in with my sister, I lived in a city with a lot a dead beat people. It was okay if I worked a crappy job because people my age do that, but here. It’s all young people and I don’t want to be working with a bunch of high school kids.

Easy way out for most people would be a secretarial job. I had a class like that in college and I nearly failed it. I can’t multitask  well and I hate the phone. Is it possible to concentrate to hard on what someone is saying that you don’t hear a word of it? I want a job where I don’t have to associate with other people. Basically my field is perfect for me. I’m an aspiring graphic designer, but I’ve lost my drive for it and I can honestly say I’ve done nothing all year. I’m ashamed, I’m not proud. I have no fun activities that I do. I just exist and I find myself pretty useless in this world and it makes me sad. I’m not depressed about it though. I mean, I have my days, but I would say my mood is pretty neutral.

My sister brought it to my attention that her husband said a while ago that I should be looking for work because I am basically no longer needed. That should motivate me to work a little harder on finding a job but it hasn’t really. It mostly just scared me. My back up plan is to go back and live with my mom, but living there I have nothing. I’m oddly worse off if I do that.

I’m so lost in my life right now. I just don’t know. I’m confused, scared, unmotivated. Every negative emotion you could think of. I’m in limbo and I just don’t know. I haven’t cried about it in a while and I almost feel like I’m about to but I don’t feel like I have a right to. I know the only way I can change my way of life is by changing it myself, but I have no motivation and I’ve been like this for as long as I can remember.

I want to pray about this. I want to read my bible and find the right passage to motivate myself into action, but I’m so ashamed in myself I don’t feel like I have the right to. It sounds stupid but that’s how I feel. I keep finding every excuse not to read my bible when I have a hard copy, a copy on my phone and a copy on my iPod touch. I’ve got God’s word all around me, but I’m too ashamed in myself to take the initiative to do anything for myself. The level of shame I have in myself is unmeasurable and that shame is keeping me from doing anything for myself. My inner demons are winning over me and I’m just stuck. I hate this. I’m crying and I don’t know what else to say.

I’m not happy, this is another woe is me post. I need help. I need a friend. I need motivation. I need something. I need to love myself. But I can’t because I’m ashamed. People tell me things I need to hear, and I hear them, and I agree with them, but the feeling that I’m feeling inside is keeping me from doing anything about it and i hate it. What’s worse is that I’m keeping all of this to myself. I tell my sister but as usual she doesn’t hear me because to her I’m like a broken record. Complaining about the same things over and over and not doing anything about it. She loves me, and if I were her I’d be tired of me too. It’s like I’m looking for someone to tell me what to do. I was never given a manual to this life and I really don’t know what to do with it. I can’t spend the rest of my life being supported by others.

I Need Jesus

I came across this photo on Tumblr the other day and I liked it very much. I know I need Jesus, but there is a fear of some sort that is holding me back. I’m not sure what it is, but I pray that I can conquer this fear in the near future. We don’t know how much time we have left, and if I keep putting it off, it might be too late.

I heard people say it, and the truth is, if you have Christ in your life you have it all, because you won’t need anything else. I’ve got a bible on my Phone, on my iPod, on my Google browser and physical one in hand as well. I do next to nothing all day, yet for some reason, I can never find the time to pick it up and give it a read. I need to stop talking about stuff and actually do it. There is nothing for me to be afraid of, except for the end if I never give myself whole heartedly to God. Instead of shying away because of my shame, I should own up to it and just do as I know I should do. Leave all my fears and strengthen my faith.

Anonymous

Happy New Year 2013

Starting off the new year with a move is quite interesting. I hope I get settled quickly. I have to start by making a list of the things I need to get done and what not, otherwise they will never get done. I also have to start looking into jobs. I am currently unemployed. And although unemployment is looking kind of sweet, I would feel incredibly guilty. I’m old and I basically have nothing going for me until I make it that way. Hopefully it won’t be that way for too long. I must stay positive. If it wasn’t meant to do this, God would have let me know. But this move couldn’t have gone any smoother, so I have a good feeling about this. Anytime I feel fear, I just have to remember that it’s the Devil messing with my emotions and to just ignore them. Fear will do nothing but hold me back.

So for the past few weeks I haven’t been speaking much with my male friend. Things just went downhill and I stopped contacting him. Not completely  but I given up hope on him. I can’t hate him for something he hasn’t done, but I will basically treat him the same way that he does me. I’ve left, I haven’t told him. But since I told him I was, he either thought I wasn’t going to do it or didn’t care because I can’t even remember the last time I saw him. I even invited him to our family holiday dinner and he brought it up, but never actually gave me a reply. Then invited me to spend new years with him while he works. I don’t know if he thought I was like his little puppy that whenever he summoned me I would go, but I already had plans anyway, and I had THE BEST TIME last night. I know I had more fun than If I would have gone to his work.

Well this is it. New Year, New Chapter, New Life, New Things, and New People. I’m looking forward to you 2013. Treat me well.

Anonymous

If there isn’t anything holding me back, why not?

I was presented with an opportunity. Unfortunately not for a job. A temporary, part time, live in nanny for my nephew. I would have to quit my job and basically look for something part time somewhere else. When I really think about it, there is absolutely nothing holding me back here. I’ve got no friends, I was planning on quitting my job anyway. Then there’s my mom and my grandmother. My mother’s need/want for me to stay has more to do with her lack of growing up into an adult. The funny thing is I’m scared to leave her, but if the opportunity presented itself, I’m sure she’d drop me in a second. She did it when I was child, so what’s to stop her from doing it now. Then there’s my grandmother. I don’t talk to her much now, but I’m the last bit of family she has where we are. Everyone else has moved. But then again it’s not like I pay her a visit weekly. If I were to go I guess it would be a for me to start over, meet new people. Maybe even find myself a person I cold spend the rest of my life with. The thing is, although I haven’t named them, starting a new life there could be better for me. I’m just scared. I’ve always lived in fear. I guess if I stopped closing off and let God in my life I’d know what to do. I think that’s what I’m going to do tonight. I need to say a prayer. Maybe even read a lesson. I need help. I just don’t want to go somewhere where people will continue to enable my lack of motivation for any and everything. Also, I don’t want to impose myself on my sister and her husband, but they’re the ones that brought it up.

Lord, what should I do? They need and answer quickly, because if I say no, they have to start looking for a daycare. So what do I do? I’m so scared of changing anything in my routine, but it’s not like my routine has benefited me in any way. I would just feel so weird. My main problem is that in life, I’ve always needed someone to tell me what to do. I haven’t had that in years, and where has that left me. Lost. I just don’t know.

Anonymous

Forever Alone

Same song different entry. It’s a Saturday night, and I spent the night trying on clothes, playing in makeup, taking photos and watching TV. Mom just got back from a birthday party not too long ago and I spent the night home alone. What else is new? Well, I was actually invited to a birthday party myself. I would have liked to go, but there’s no way I’m going to stroll around downtown by myself to attend a party for an acquaintance. I have no friends. Not true, I have my sister and my crush. Problem, my sister doesn’t live in the area and my crush… *sigh* You know we’ve been friends for about 3 years, and we’re pretty close,  but I don’t think we’ve ever actually gone out anywhere together. Except for that one night I borrowed my moms car and we drove around the city, but other than that. Like he’s embarrassed to be seen with me. Hmmm, I take back thinking he likes me. I’m pretty sure if he did, he’d want to show me off. Unless I’m like his guilty pleasure he hides from the world. Actually, yes. He has literally hid me before so people he knew didn’t know I was around while he was talking them.

Be that as it may, my love life, non existant. I’ve had one boyfriend in my life. Our relationship lasted 3 months. Our friendship before that, about 5 years, could be more. What did I learn? Don’t date a guy with no goals. Only problem with that though, I find anyone with goals intimidating. Sounds crazy I know, but I haven’t got much to be proud of myself. My life is sad. I need to change it, I’m the only one that can change it, yet I don’t and end up complaining about the same things over and over again. Every Sunday my grandmother asks me why I haven’t found suitable suitor yet. “What am I waiting for?” She asks. She’s telling me to get out there and talk to people, but I don’t know how. I keep telling her that I’m okay, but I’m not, and I think she knows because she’s alone herself. She doesn’t like telling her brothers what’s going on with my life because nothing is going on. When they talk about my job, instead of saying “Oh that’s nice.” They tell her “Well it’s better than nothing.” I hate this life and I feel like I’m stuck in it. No one gets it. No one gets me, and when I try to explain to them, they laugh it off or look at me like I’m crazy or something. Or using it as an excuse and I swear I’m not trying to. I’m scared. Scared of change, scared of everything.

My sister spoke to a coworker about me the other day. He thinks I could be Asexual. I don’t think so. I’m not stupid. Although I should get properly diagnosed, I’m 99% sure I’m Dyslexic and have Aspergers. I guess what I’m trying to say is that it would make more sense if I were properly diagnosed, but I’ve read the symptoms, I’m not Asexual. But for the fact that my own sister is now starting to question if I’ll ever find someone, and she’s talking to other people about it. In some weird way it hurts.  Oddly enough my mom seems to be the most positive one out of this whole being single thing. Even though she likes to compare myself to her a lot, she’s the only one saying positive things. Unfortunately it also leads to false hope. Like what the future holds for my crush and I. She thinks we’ll end up together, I obviously hope so, but I’m definitely not holding my breath. With as many people as he speaks to though (mostly girls), I’m surprised he’s been single the entire time we’ve been friends. He does talk about other girls but… I don’t know what he’s looking for.

So here I am, a girl in her late 20s with no social skills, VERY few friends, picky taste, and her entire family pitying her for her life choices that aren’t really choices. My answer. God has a plan for me. I tell myself that all the time, but I need to believe it. Let’s say I will be alone for the rest of my life, if that is my destiny, I should embrace it. I mean, I would LOVE to have at least one child to call my own. I’ve even told myself that if things never really work out for me relationship wise I would adopt, but before I even consider that, I really need to get my life in order, move from under my moms roof and just be on my own. It won’t be easy. It might actually be more lonely, but it’s got to be done. God will be with me. I just need to strengthen my faith so that I believe it myself. Funny how quick a mood can change. 5 minutes ago I was pouring my eyes out, now I’m siting here typing with this grin on my face like everything has just sorted itself out.

I’m an emotional wreck.
“Whoa is me”
Anonymous

Confusion….

Just when you think you know someone, the verbally attack you leaving you confused.

I grew up in the church. Been going all my life, but the sad thing about, I don’t pay attention. Up until a couple of years ago, I always used to fall asleep during service. And it’s not something I did intentionally. I find it very difficult to concentrate on words, especially when I’m being spoken to. At least when I’m reading I can go over something if I don’t understand. I think the only solution to my lack of bible knowledge is to stat reading the bible. But, but I don’t like to read. When I was younger, if I had trouble sleeping, I would read and it would put me sleep. A part of me wishes I was more Godly. I do believe in hell and I don’t want to go there. But I don’t have the motivation or drive for anything.  I’ve already convinced myself that I’m going to hell and there is no hope for me. I want to trust in God, but I have so much doubt and negativity in my head that it’s so hard. Where does that leave me? Lost.

Back to what I was saying. The same guy I’ve been talking about in previous posts basically decided to play 21 Christian Questions with me which I was not prepared for. I felt so stupid, and ashamed. I feel like I should be ashamed to called myself a Christian. People know I go to church every Sunday, but I have no information in my head to back up that claim. I know nothing about the bible, which is also weird considering my dad is really religious. I actually told the guy last night that he reminded me of my dad. I’m not sure whether that was a complement or not, but I know it should have be. I think what made me feel worse was the way he put me down after I gave “the wrong answer”. He responded as if something was wrong with me for not knowing “simple things”. He’s said time and time again, the reason why he’s so rough on me is so that I won’t believe it and prove him wrong, but do I have enough confidence to even do that? Have I changed much in the past 3 years? I don’t think so. So whatever he thinks he’s doing, he’s failing. I don’t know if that’s what he was trying to do last night, but after having such a great day yesterday, my mood was brought waaaaaaaay down. I’m actually still in shock by it 24 hours later.

Why is it so hard for me to be happy? Maybe it is time I put all my trust in God. He won’t dish out what I can’t handle and he’ll always protect me, so what am I afraid of?

Anonymous

Life waits for no one

God has a plan for everyone. He knows exactly what he’s doing and where everyone is going. He “pulls strings” to teach lessons. Each string affects a different person in a different way. I hope this isn’t one of my temporary realizations and I actually do make the effort to change my procrastinating ways.

I found out this morning that a girl I used to work with passed away yesterday afternoon. It was such a shocker to hear, even though I knew she was sick. I was supposed to see her, but because of a stupid fear I have of awkward social situations I put other plans in front of her. Yes, I was busy that night, but if I really wanted to go I could have made the time. The only free day I had to go I blew off, then I went out of town for a week. I kept reading that she was getting better, but I guess she wasn’t. I got back Friday night and had work the Saturday morning. With 3 days off from work this week I was going to use one of them to see her, on my own without anyone else. Like I said, I hate awkward social situations. The people I was going to go with were a little less than acquaintances. Now it’s too late. I didn’t get to see her and I’m upset about it. She was such a good hearted person, and many people may ask “Why her?”, while some may be angry about it, I’m taking it as a life lesson. We truly don’t know how much time we have left on earth. Anything can happen at any moment, and I take everyday that I wake up for granted.

I’m not happy with my job. A year ago I went to school so I could get out of place of work. I received my diploma 9 months ago and I’m still working at the same place. I haven’t been practicing skill, I haven’t really been working on my portfolio and I keep putting things off. Worse of all, I’ve neglected God for many years. The way I’ve carried myself the past few years, I should be ashamed of myself. I felt useless and I acted that way by doing nothing. I felt like my presence was for nothing. Not enough to kill myself, I’m not depressed. I still care, I still eat, I don’t have trouble getting up in the morning. I’ve just been ashamed from doing nothing and did nothing about it. Now I’m nowhere and feel like I’ve accomplished nothing. I can’t and shouldn’t waste anymore time. I have to do something with my life. I can’t keep talking about it anymore, I must do it and be confident in doing it. God is on my side, he’s always been, and I have to trust him to help me and guide me to do the right thing.

My heart and prayers go out to my friends family and loved ones. It’s so sad to see people go so young, but I think it’s seeing that that helps us realize that anything can happen at any moment. Don’t take life for granted and don’t wait around for things to happen. If you want something done, do it, go for it, because chances are, it won’t happen otherwise.

Anonymous