Work Xmas Party

I can complain, but I have people to complain to now, so I’ll try not to do that here.

I will say, that I thought I was getting better. Correction, I am getting better. Or maybe I forgot how good I was at pretending. When I got home, I was in the fetal position, head in hands for a good hour before I was able to get up again. I literally need to reenergize when I get home after being out. Especially if I’ve been interacting with people. With work, it’s usually about 30 mins. Mind you, when I’m reenergizing, I do nothing constructive. I’ll usually play a mindless game on my phone (Any of the Candy Crush games, Sudoku or 2048), and I don’t change out of my work clothes. Tonight, it’s almost like I was knocked out. People really don’t understand what socializing does to an introvert. Or whatever I have. I sometimes feel like it’s deeper than that. I didn’t have my phone or anything, just me in a dark room, eye closed, reenergizing. Not really thinking about anything. Powered off.

Not complaining.

Sorry, I have to remind myself not to complain. I just wrote a full paragraph an had to delete it. Now I’m sad. And worried. I was optimistic when I started this new job. In a way, I still am, but this party really put a damper on things. And now I’m lonely. I can’t socialize, I hate parties. Tonight reassured me of that. So what does my future hold? If I can’t carry small talk, how am I supposed to meet anyone? I may cry tonight. I may not. I honestly don’t know. I do know, however, that I probably should have avoided the liquor tonight. Not at the party. There was not alcohol at the party. I’m referring to right now. As I sit here, alone.

ReNn

The title of this post has little to do with the content.

Aesthetic Attraction

I know I’ve been M. I. A., but I was out of the internet for about a month, and I guess I’ve been so content lately. I’ve had nothing to complain about that I just never poped back in to update.

Although this post won’t be an update on my current mood, status or anything, I will say, possibly since I’ve last written, that I’ve confirmed for sure that I am asexual and I’ve never been happier about that. I love discovering and confirming new things about myself. I’m in a never ending quest to find out who I am and why I do the things I do. I even started questioning my sexual preference. But after reading this article/post/essay, I think I can say that I’ve learned something new. In general and about myself. And that is Aesthetic Attraction.

It’s a bit of a long read, but please don’t let that stop you curious people from reading it.

ReNn

Source: Aesthetic Attraction

I’m Not Looking For Sympathy, But….

I definitely not looking for sympathy. I don’t want people feeling sorry for me. What I am looking for is some kind of support. From anyone. Just someone to listen. Someone who won’t make smug comments when I start to feel a bit off. And is it so wrong to ask for that from the person I’m closest to?

My sister, I love her dearly, but she has never supported me. And I know she puts up with a lot from me, but don’t tell me that you love me more than I love you. You don’t know that. You don’t know how I’m feeling. When I say that I’m not sure whether I’m mentally or physically tiered (It’s definitely mentally now), respond as a caring person, or don’t respond at all. I think/talk out loud, so when I’m saying this, I’m not actually seeking a response.

I’m an introvert living in a house with 4 other people. Two of them are toddlers. Even if I had a lock on my door it wouldn’t be enough because I know I’m not actually alone. Being in a room isn’t enough for me, because I’m still acting quiet for other people in the house. It bothers me when she tries on my clothes without my permission and leave them lying on my bed vs putting them back where she took them from. It bothers me when my nephews barge into my room and touch everything. It bothers me even more when I come home from work and find my room in a completely different state to what I left it in. I don’t like people touching my things. My sister knows this. But she completely disregards my feelings. I hold all this in, and when I can’t anymore, I tell her, which results in her not caring which just adds to the things I hold back.

She really upset me today, and there’s nothing I can do about it (but suck it up, right?). Talking to her would lead to nothing because she doesn’t actually care. Because the things I care about, the things that bother me are so minute to her problems. According to her.

ReNn

Why I Comment Anonymously

I’m an introvert who fears rejection. Rejection makes me sad. Rejection makes me feel… rejected. To avoid that feeling, I tend to not write anyone anywhere. Saves me the bad feelings and embarrassment. That’s why I have no friends. But, sometimes, when I’m feeling lonely, I try to reach out to people. Instead of being anonymous, I’m onymous and I send comments to people I’ve never spoken to before. But every time I get this wave of courage, people don’t respond and I revert back to being anonymous. Sort of. I actually fear rejection so much that most of the time I talk myself out of sending comments on anonymous. I’ll type it all out, then say, “What’s the point?” and delete it.

That’s actually what I’m going through right now. Over the past few days, I went comment crazy. I follow these blog closely, and it bothers me that these people are interacting with other bloggers and posting new things, but have yet to reply me. I try to give them the benefit of the doubt, but that doesn’t last long and I still end up upset.

It’s a horrible way to live. I know this because I’m thirty and my only friend is my sister, who’s house I live in, along with her husband and children. Fear is holding me back so much in life and it’s defeating me. At least five times a week, I say “I’m so lonely”. But even if I had friends, I wouldn’t hang out with them all the time. I’m an introvert, but one can only be introverted for so long before they need interaction with other human beings. Co-workers don’t count.

ReNn

I Am No Longer In My Twenties

I’ve been making such a big deal about this, but it’s really nothing. It’s just a number. I think the reason why I’ve been having such a hard time turning thirty is that I’m not where I see myself at this age. Granted, I never gave it much thought, just thought I’d be in my twenties forever, but that’s not possible. To this day though, I look down to people my age and I actually feel sorry for them. I feel like they’ve given up on everything and can’t have fun anymore. But again, at the same time, a part of me wishes I were where they are.

I haven’t told anyone at work it’s my birthday today. My sister tells me, it’s none of their business anyways. They’re not my friends. Which is true, but how am I supposed to make friends if I keep closing people off. Don’t get me wrong, I still don’t want to tell them. But the “worst” that would happen, is them telling me happy birthday.

I’m honestly torn between living the life I want to live (doing nothing, which isn’t possible) and being an actual grown up, and I feel now more than ever, at the age of thirty, I really need to step it up and grow up. Or at least get a job that doesn’t pay minimum so I can live of my own. I hate my job.

ReNn

KRNE – Wolves (ft. MOONZz)

I once posted a playlist of some of the songs I was listening to at the moment, so my followers would have an idea of what I listen to. I love music and I’d love to share my favourites with anyone who won’t judge me. I wanted to do a monthly update of my top songs, but I never committed.

Well, I still have no intentions of committing to that, but here is a song that I just discovered (less than 5 hours ago), and it’s currently on constant repeat. Hope you enjoy.

https://soundcloud.com/krane/wolves

ReNn

**Update**
So I just found out that this was a remake of Kanye WestWolves ft. Sia and Vic Mensa. I honestly had no idea. I used to be Kanye West fan but he went left as I went right and I really don’t listen to much of anything he does now. After listening to the original, I prefer the remake.